


I'll Be Your Eyes

by chiqelata



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blind Character, Disability, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Apologizes, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jaskier | Dandelion Whump, M/M, Making Love, Post-Episode: S01E06 Rare Species, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:20:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29261118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiqelata/pseuds/chiqelata
Summary: ‘’No! I want you to see my eyes when I talk and make sure I'm honest. Look at me-‘’Geralt couldn’t continue his words, his eyes opened wide in the face of the image he saw. It was like when Jaskier left him on the mountain, his cheeks were as plump as a child's, his lips paler than he remembered, but still a little pink, buthis eyes...His eyes were different. His blue eyes, resembling a cloudless sky, were covered in fog. They were like mirrors forgotten to shine, dull, grey and lifeless, and even though they were nose to nose, his eyes were facing in different direction."Jaskier...’’A bitter smile appeared on Jaskier's face."You see right. I'm blind, Geralt.’’*[Rated E because of the detailed love scenes. The torture part was mentioned very little and without detail.]
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 50
Kudos: 291





	I'll Be Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> _FINALLY!_
> 
> I can finally share this story with you guys! 
> 
> For a moment, I really thought it would never end. Since English is not my native language, I first wrote this story in my own language, then I translated it, and it took almost three months for me to complete! I've worked really hard and put a lot of effort in this story. (There's never enough post-mountain stories, so I wanted to write one too.) 
> 
> Hope you guys like it. 
> 
> _PS:If I did any mistake about spelling, grammar etc. please let me know so I can re-write it._
> 
> Enjoy!

_**I’LL BE YOUR EYES** _

Geralt felt helpless.

It was a feeling he had been familiar with for some time now.

It had been a year and a half since what happened on the mountain, but the emptiness that grew in him couldn't stop. It was like a huge hole had opened up in the middle of his chest. He eats, drinks, wakes, sleeps, kills, and as the system continues in this way, the hole continues to grow and consume him.

At first, he thought it was because of his Child Surprise. He had denied the Destiny for years, refusing to accept and take the child with him. Although he is sure that Destiny is involved in this, he knows that deep down, the trouble that bothers him so much is related to what happened on the mountain, but he didn’t want to accept nor face it.

His Child Surprise had brought a whole new breath into his life in every way, a difference he hadn't expected at all. As he spent time with Ciri, it became a little easier for him to express himself, and he couldn't feel need to complain about it. Although it was still easy to answer most questions with _hmm_ and _fuck_ , he was trying.

At first, he only thought about protecting her until Ciri grew up and regained her throne. But as he spent time with the girl, his decision began to slowly collapse and take a different shape. He could see how Ciri was hungry for an emotional bond, even though Geralt was the last person on earth to give it to her, Destiny had brought them together. He felt responsible for Ciri, he cared about the girl's feelings as much as he cared about her health, and his feelings for her were pure and heartfelt like a father’s. He had never had his own child because he was sterile, but now he could imagine how Vesemir felt when raising him and his other brothers.

While taking care of Ciri was one of the riskiest decisions he had made in his lifetime, he no longer knew how he could move on with his life without the girl. He was too attached to Ciri, and he could see how fond the little girl was of him. But despite all the recent progresses, the hole in his chest was not closing.

Shortly after taking Ciri to Kaer Morhen unharmed, his paths crossed with Yennefer agaiin. Their first encounter in the six months after the mountain had been cold and bleak. There were no sparks exploding in the middle, or an intense desire for Geralt to get out of his pants as soon as possible, a desire that raged when he met Yennefer.

On the contrary, Ciri needed Yennefer to be able to control her powers, and after explaining her situation to the woman calmly (and apologizing properly for what happened on the mountain), her relationship with the sorceress had settled into a strange routine. He didn't know exactly what they were, but he was sure they weren't lovers or anything like that. He liked this new dynamic between them, making him think more logically and looking at Yennefer through a different eye.

The sorceress was beautiful, and so smart as she was beautiful. As she helped Ciri with her powers, he saw how quickly the two bonded. Behind her cold look and thick walls, Yennefer was, in fact a woman hungry for love. Ciri made her feel all the feelings she longed for, especially the sense of motherhood that Yennefer longed for most. Even a blind person could see how fond sorceress was of her. If a single hair of Ciri had been damaged, Yennefer would have made the earth hell without even thinking.

After Yennefer became involved in his life again, he and the sorceress made an agreement about Ciri. Each time Geralt returned to Kaer Morhen, Yennefer would drop Ciri off at the keep and come to pick up the girl again after the spring passed its first cold. During this time, Geralt would continue to train and educate ~~_his daughter_~~ \- Ciri. He wanted Ciri to keep her head up and feel confident wherever she went. And this was happening, every time he looked at Ciri, he could see that she became a little more fearless, her confidence increased with it and it filled Geralt with pride.

He wouldn't be lying if he said he couldn't wait to see ~~_his daughter_~~ -Ciri. Months had passed since he last saw her, and while he had no doubt that Yennefer had taken very good care of her, Geralt wanted to see her with his own eyes and make sure she was all right from head to toe.

But even now, as Geralt made his way to Kaedwen to go to Kaer Morhen, the restlessness inside him was growing, and the hole that tore his chest open was now to the point where it would drive him crazy. He couldn't understand why he felt that way. For the first time in years, everything in his life was in order, he had a small family that he was forbidden to even imagine. But every time he tried to imagine his family, everyone from Vesemir to Yennefer, the lack of a person was so obvious that it hit him in the face like a slap every damn time.

 _Jaskier_.

When Geralt first met the bard, he thought he was nothing but trouble. He looked no different from a troublemaker who never shut up, constantly sang love songs and poems about heartbreak. But as time went on, Jaskier followed him tirelessly and forced him to accept his existence, knocking down the walls that Geralt had stubbornly kept high and unreachable.

Geralt had always known himself as a patient man, but Jaskier was also patient, never ever giving up. When Geralt looked at him, he couldn't see what he had to make Jaskier trail after him. If monsters and blood, Jaskier had witnessed more than enough of them in the first few weeks alone. He didn't think he had anything else, for most people his character was difficult to understand and wild.

But Jaskier didn't care about the monsters, the times when he was covered in blood, or his incomprehensible grumbles. As he came with him everywhere he went like a loyal puppy, Geralt took him into his life without noticing, as if it was as natural as breathing. However, their characters were very opposite, Jaskier preferred expensive, soft and beautiful things, while Geralt was used to preferring cheap, hard and simple things. The Path required it, it was pointless for him to spoil himself. His body had more wounds than he could count, his character hardened, his tongue silenced but also sharpened, as he was used to the treatment he received on the Continent. He was used to being rude, making it easier for him to come to a conclusion, but Jaskier wasn't. He liked to make long, joyful conversations, decorate words, and spread his sun-warm smiles around. Feeding on attention was like a second source of food for him.

He was so used to Jaskier's presence that the year and a half after the mountain felt like an agony to Geralt. As he spent time with Ciri and Yennefer, he could take his mind away from him, but every time he returned to the Path and was alone with himself, he couldn't stop thinking about Jaskier.

Usually the first thought that came to his mind was about the bard’s well-being. Was he okay? Was he in good health? Did he manage to take good care of himself? Although Jaskier had the image of a grown man, he was like a child when it came to taking care of himself.

Although he managed to take great care of his skin, he couldn't say the bard showed the same attention to his health. Geralt often didn't hesitate to give Jaskier his blanket or throw his spare clothes at him on cooling nights. Though Jaskier tried every time to deny what had been extended to him with his blushing cheeks, Geralt would make him take it. He knew the bard needed it more than he did.

After a dozen songs Jaskier wrote about his kind, the witchers getting more welcomed across the Continent. People who didn't see him as different from an animal before and were afraid to approach him were now a little more fearless and friendly. There was still a wide audience who preferred to run away when they saw him but compared to years ago, the generosity his kind had begun to see in recent years was dizzying. Jaskier had managed to make the Path a little more bearable to them.

After what the bard had done for him and his kind, it felt good to be able to give him such help, even if it was little in return. He really wanted to do something for the man, but when it came to such things, Geralt was no better than shit.

After he thought about how his well-being until he had a headache, another thought that came to his mind was where the bard was. Did he go back to Oxenfurt like he did every winter? Or the last time he spoke to him, did he go to a place with a coast, like he offered to him? During his time on the road in hope of finding him, Geralt stopped at all kinds of places that were near the sea, but he couldn’t come across any trace of Jaskier, like he had been erased from the Continent. He then went to Oxenfurt, even Lettenhove but Jaskier was not there.

His third thought was usually the worst. Something happened to Jaskier.

He knew that Nilfgaard had searched everywhere to find Ciri, and that a reward had been placed on the heads of many people who were seen with the girl, especially him. Being the White Wolf’s bard, he was sure Jaskier was also on the list. But as much as Jaskier seemed to have his mind in the air, he was actually quite cunning. His blue eyes always shone with clever twinkles. He must have guessed that Nilfgaard might be after him. But that little voice gnawing at his mind was whispering something else. What if something happened to him? What if he's writhing in pain away from him, in the middle of nowhere, waiting for someone to help him?

Geralt's stomach turned sour with pain. In a year and a half, he had noticed a lot and learned to be honest with himself. At first he couldn't understand why Jaskier's absence felt different than Yennefer's, but now he knew why. He was so used to the bard's presence that he didn't realize its importance until Geralt learned to live with his absence.  
He had just seen how big a place the bard had in his life, how much his absence had hurt him, and he couldn’t even describe the shame he felt about it.

One good thing for him to be alone with himself; It allowed him to see everything that was going on between him and Yennefer more clearly and understand the value of Jaskier. Yennefer was right, they would never know if the attraction/connection between them was due to the genie or not. However, the bond between him and Jaskier (before the witcher tore it to pieces) was not based on any magic. Jaskier had been involved in Geralt's life entirely of his own accord, willingly and deliberately, and Geralt had kept him by his side of his own accord too. There was nothing here that affected his will on either side. It was pure and natural. And when he was with Yennefer, they were destructive to each other and there was always a more. _Further_.

Geralt cared about her, he couldn't deny that, but for the past year and a half, he hadn't missed her the way he missed Jaskier. Geralt had a burning need to be with the bard again which he felt in his entire body, bones, even cells. He didn't know where he was, if he was okay, and not knowing it was driving him crazy.

For once in twenty years, Geralt could have told Jaskier that they were at least friends, but he didn't. He thought it more appropriate to act like a big-headed dick. But now he understood, he knew it was too late, and he had to lose Jaskier to understand it, but it made him open his eyes.

It wasn't Yennefer he was looking for, it was Jaskier. Jaskier was the one who was there from the beginning, who endured all kinds of his shitty moods. It was Jaskier who offered his unconditional love and asked for nothing in return. It was Jaskier who trusted him blindly.

And Geralt had lost him.

With a deep sigh, he entered through the open inn door. Before moving on, he wanted a hot meal and an ale that didn't taste like piss with the coin he earned from his previous contract. He was not far from Kaer Morhen, if he was lucky enough he would arrive at the keep in a month, he didn't need to keep his money too tight.

‘’Witcher! Welcome to my humble inn! How can I help you?’’

Instead of answering, Geralt threw a bag of coin in front of him.

‘’Give me your freshest meal, with a well-fermented ale on the side.’’

‘‘Of course master witcher, please take a seat.’’

As the inn owner gleefully counted the coins inside the bag, Geralt looked around to see a familiar face. Since it was early in the day, the inn was not very crowded. A few overnight men snored on the sides of the table and other few napped, while on another table an old woman who looked small was busy with quietly eating the food in front of her.

"Has any bard passed through here recently?’’

‘’A bard? Let me think,’’ The inn owner looked at his face with thoughtful eyes, stroking his grey beard. "No bard has passed through here for a long time. It's a small town master witcher, we don't have many visitors.’’

‘’What about a man with brown hair and blue eyes-‘’

‘’About your height?" When a new voice interrupted his question, Geralt looked over his shoulder to see the person. When the old woman looked carefully at him instead of eating her food, Geralt instantly sensed that the woman knew something, turning his entire body towards her. "You're the famous witcher, aren't you? _The White Wolf_. Geralt of Rivia.’’

‘’Do you know who I'm talking about?’’

When the old woman pointed him to sit on the chair in front him with wise-looking eyes, Geralt quietly did what was asked of him.

"I know he's named after a flower.’’

Geralt's heart filled with hope with the old woman's words.

" _Jaskier_. When did you see him last? Was he all right?’’

"Thomas, our town's forest ranger, found the boy. The poor boy was nearly dead when he brought here.’’

 _‘‘What?"_ The hope that filled Geralt's heart suddenly disappeared and was replaced by an icy cold. As his shoulders stretched, a dangerous expression appeared on his face.

"Explain what you mean.’’

"You want me to get in detail? Okay, most of his bones were broken, crushed and hurt. He had bruises all over his skin, and you can imagine he had internal bleeding. All over his body was covered with signs indicating that he had been deliberately injured. ’’

‘’Who?" Geralt said with a harsh growl. He was going to find them and kill them. It was that simple.

‘’I'd love to say it, but unfortunately I don't know who he is or who they are," she said. ‘’All I know is that the bard was regularly tortured for a while. His soul is as badly damaged as his body. Poor boy, he's so kind and naive, he didn't deserve such pain and to live with it for the rest of his life.’’

Geralt tried to swallow, as if his tongue had suddenly swollen and turned into a ball that was difficult to fit in his mouth. _Torture_. Jaskier was tortured. Something got stuck in his chest and crushed. Knowing that the bard was actually writhing in pain, thinking that he was safe away from him, in an innocent and peaceful place like coast, burned Geralt's soul. _Torture_. With the word ringing in his mind once again, his fists tightened and several of the stitches that held his leather glove together torn apart.

"Do you know which way the bard went?’’

A little smile appeared on the old woman's face, it was clear that she knew the answer of his question.

"Why are you here, White Wolf? Are you just passing through here, or are you actually looking for the bard?’’

‘’You know the answer." Geralt said, unable to repress his growl.

‘‘Oh, I know." The old woman took a big sip from her cup and looked at him quitely for a second, skin around her eyes crinkled with her slightly squinted look. "But I want to hear it from you. Why do you want to see the boy?’’

Geralt was both annoyed and strangely respected the woman by the fact that she was so stubborn about sharing her knowledge about Jaskier. When he thought about the conversation from the start, he could see Jaskier talking about him to the healer. Although the old woman sat comfortably across from him, her guard against him was evident from her defiant gaze. Geralt clenched his fists more.

Did Jaskier warn the healer because he was afraid Geralt would hurt him again? The question hurt him so much that the little breath left in his lung flew away. Could he really have hurt him so much?

Jaskier was known for his easy smiles and warm, friendly behavior. He could share his love as easily and sincerely as he could share his food. _If his words really hurt him_ —the stitches on his glove were opened one by one and split in the middle.

Before crossing paths with Ciri, Geralt searched for Jaskier in every city, town and village he passed through. He wanted him back. _Oh, how he wanted him back._ He didn't know how to get things back to the way they were before, but he was ready to try. He just needed a chance to prove himself to Jaskier. He had screwed it up every time before but now his eyes were wide open and he knew what he was missing. More importantly, he knew what he wanted- _needed_ \- and it was none other than Jaskier.

He had realised he loved Jaskier three months after he lost him and was now trying to live under the awareness of it for one and half a year. He was concerned for the man's safety, his health and not knowing where he was was making it difficult for Geralt to sleep. Jaskier was out somewhere away from him and the witcher couldn't get to him. It was as if he'd just disappeared.

"Jaskier is my friend.’’

Although he felt that his simple explanation was not convincing enough,- _he was never good with words to begin with_ \- he didn’t hesitate to take his chance. Jaskier was more than a friend to him, was much more important.

Far from him, Jaskier was wounded and alone, and Geralt was _here_. Still away from him. He needed to reach him. It was a condition, a necessity. He would only be able to function properly again if he reached out to his bard and wrapped his arms around him and inhaled his calming smell.

He tried his luck again when the healer kept quiet.

‘’He’s very important to me. There are things I have to do, _no_ \- I have to make up for. I need to see him.’’

The old woman looked into his eyes for a long time. She then whispered before taking the cup to her lips with a quiet sigh.

‘‘The bard is here. He lives in an old forest hut a little way out of town. If you go with your horse, you'll get to him faster. Follow the road until the stony road ends, and when you encounter a path, just follow it until the end.’’

_Jaskier was here._

Geralt closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't know how to describe the relief he felt, it was much deeper and more intense than even when he found Ciri. It was like all his cells had been torn to pieces and reunited again. He opened his mouth to thank the healer, but the woman raised her hand and silenced him.

"Though most of his wounds had healed, it was impossible for me to heal some of them." The old woman lowered her eyes and looked at the cup she was clutching with both hands. "His soul is more damaged than his body... He's in a very fragile state witcher, and I want you to be very careful with him when you approach. If I see the boy cry, I'll find and destroy you. Did you get it? I don't want to see any behavior that will upset that child.’’

*

As he walked along the path through the forest, the healer's words were ringing in his head nonstop.

_The poor boy was nearly dead._

_All I know is that the bard was regularly tortured for a while._

_Though most of his wounds had healed, it was impossible for me to heal some of them._

_His soul is more damaged than his body... He's in a very fragile state witcher, and I want you to be very careful with him when you approach._

How was he going to find Jaskier?

Even though the obscurity of the problem worried Geralt, it also filled him with anger. His anger was against those who hurt Jaskier and himself. He should have known that something was wrong with the fact that he had not heard a single thing about the bard in the past time. Jaskier was tortured outside while he spent his days in peace in the keep with Yennefer and Ciri, instead of looking for him, even if he thought Jaskier was keeping his identity a secret... It burned Geralt's body like he was dipped in acid. His conscience was like a terrible monster, his body was like an arrow ready to be thrown, and he couldn’t predict where his thoughts started and ended, he was in total chaos.

He held his breath when the trees that make up the path became less, making a small hut visible a little further away from him. In front of the small hut that made of wood was a cloaked figure, kneeling on his knees. Geralt took a deep breath from the air, inhaling the familiar smell. The bard had a clear, pure scent that identified with nature, such as rosemary, chamomile and freshly cut grass. Geralt recalled times when Jaskier smiled, he could almost feel the taste of the sun in his mouth every time he smiled, a sweet and dizzying combination. However, the smell he received now was different, heavier, _darker_ and acidic than ever before.

He got off Roach and left the mare behind, knowing Roach wouldn't get far without him, so he approached the bard with quiet steps, without worrying about his horse. As he got closer to him, he could hear Jaskier muttering to himself. Elegant, pale fingers showing that he had not seen the sun for a long time hovered over the petals of flowers in front of him, while Geralt stood a few feet away from the bard, unable to predict how much gap he should leave between them.

"You must be a daisy. Hmm, but I guess you don't have many petals. Oh, are you a buttercup?" Jaskier said, speaking to the flowers in a voice so quiet that only he could hear it himself. But Geralt was a witcher, he could easily hear the words coming out of his mouth. Unable to stop himself, he answered Jaskier's question.

‘’It’s dandelion.’’

When Jaskier suddenly heard his rumbling voice, the bard leapt in place, whimpering in a high pitched voice. His scent became more harsh with the fear he felt, and when it almost poisoned the air, Geralt felt like shit.

‘’Who's there?" His voice, blended with a subtle and intense fear that he had never heard before from the bard, ruined Geralt. For the past two decades, Jaskier was one of the bravest men he had ever known on earth, even the bravest. Now it was terrible to see him on his knees in front of him and trembling in terror, wrapped tightly in his cape. He had encountered all sorts of sights since he became a witcher, but the worst and heartbreaking image he was witnessing now.

"Jaskier... It’s me.’’

 _"Geralt?"_ Jaskier whispered his name as if he were saying a forbidden name that he shouldn’t have uttered, cauterizing Geralt’s skin like a hot knife set on fire. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

Geralt paused, trying to choose the words carefully, and after finding a reasonable answer in his mind, he answered his question.

"I was looking for you.’’

‘’Me?" As the intensity of the acidic smell in the air became heavier, Geralt's face crumpled with pain. He could hear how fast the bard’s heart was beating.

It almost fluttered inside like it were going to break the bones in his rib cage. He was like a bird, small and afraid. When birds were afraid, their tiny rib cages would flutter violently like they were going to have a heart attack. Right now, Jaskier was no different than a bird. He looked like he was going to fly away in one little wrong move. ‘’Did I do something wrong? I must have done something wrong, since I made you look for me.’’

"Jaskier-‘’

‘’I'm sorry." Jaskier said in a panic. His voice bore a hysterical timbre. "Whatever I did, _I swear_ I didn't do it on purpose. Geralt-I swear, I didn't do anything to piss you off. I didn't say anything to anyone. _I swear to gods.’’_

"Jaskier—Stop.’’

‘’I'm sorry. I didn't do anything. I'm sorry, _I'm so sorry-‘’_

_‘’Stop it!’’_

As he shouted, a small, tearful whimper rose from Jaskier. The sound shattered Geralt, but he took a step towards the bard, forcing himself to stand strong. As dried leaves crunched under his foot, Jaskier startled and tried to move forward, but his foot got caught in his cape and it fell down to his shoulders, exposing his head.

His brown hair was longer than Geralt remembered. The ends were thick and had the kind of curls that duchesses would kill to have. As they shone with a rich glow under the afternoon sun, he could see how soft they were. His whole body was shaken by a strong need to touch him, to soothe him by stroking the his hair. But instead of doing so, by trying to keep his legs steady, Geralt softened his voice.

‘’You didn't do anything wrong.’’

‘’Re-Really?’’

‘’Really.’’

"Aren't you here to yell at me?’’

Geralt felt his throat tighten.

‘’No. Jaskier— I just, _fuck!"_ Angry that he could not express himself properly, he ran his hands through his hair. "Jaskier, can you look to me?’’

‘’No.’’

"Do you hate me too much to bear to look at me?’’

‘’What? _No!"_ Jaskier took a wobbly breath and hugged his cape a little more. "I don't want you to see my face.’’

‘’Why?’’

Instead of answering, Jaskier responded him with a question.

"Why are you here, Geralt?’’

A restless silence fell between them. Geralt tried to choose his words more carefully so as not to cause a misunderstanding again. On the one hand, he wanted to know why Jaskier was hiding his face from him. What was the bard hiding from him? Scars? A broken nose or a tooth?

"I came to apologize for what I said on the mountain.’’ He said after a long time. The bard’s hunched posture became visibly tense when he heard his words. ‘‘That's why I was looking for you. What I said to you— ‘’

_"Stop."_

"I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you.’’

‘’Stop, _please.’’_

"I've thought a lot about what I've said and done to you. I’m sorry about everything, Jaskier. I never meant to hurt you on purpose.’’

_"Stop!"_

Immediately Jaskier curled where he was like a ball, covering his ears with both hands. Geralt ignored his request and though the bard did not want to show his face, Geralt grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him to look at himself. He didn't want to act like a poor man who was incapable of expressing his feelings, running or hiding away from them anymore. He wanted Jaskier to understand that his words came from his heart.

‘’No! I want you to see my eyes when I talk and make sure I'm honest. Look at me-‘’

Geralt couldn’t continue his words, his eyes opened wide in the face of the image he saw. It was like when Jaskier left him on the mountain, his cheeks were as plump as a child's, his lips paler than he remembered, but still a little pink, but _his eyes..._ His eyes were different. His blue eyes, resembling a cloudless sky, were covered in fog. They were like mirrors forgotten to shine, dull, grey and lifeless, and even though they were nose to nose, his eyes were facing in different direction.

"Jaskier...’’

A bitter smile appeared on Jaskier's face.

"You see right. I'm blind, Geralt.’’

*

"If you're looking for a place to spend the night, you can stay here. But only for tonight.’’

As Jaskier showed him his small cabin of two rooms, Geralt couldn't take his eyes off him. Jaskier looked so small without his cape on. He was very weak, his bones, visible from the collar of the tunic- which was at least two sizes large for him- were too evident and sharp. Geralt, not knowing what to do or say, just stood in the middle of the room and watched Jaskier.

It was like he was looking at an empty shell that remained of him, rather than the poet Geralt knew and was familiar with. All the parts that identified Jaskier, from his smell to his appearance, were erased, like a dust. _It was gone._ Guilt flowed through his veins like poison, spreading throughout his body. If he had reached him earlier, if he had set off at the first moment when he felt something was wrong, no, if he hadn't said those words to him on the mountain, none of this would have happened. Jaskier would still continue to bring color to Geralt's life, chasing the pessimism carried by the Path, with his eyes and a glowing smile that looked warm enough to envy the sun, and most importantly, _he would be safe._

"I'll lie down for a while, if you want to eat something, there's stew left over from yesterday. It's a little spiceless, but it still tastes good.’’

"Jaskier-‘’

‘’Later, Geralt.’’

Without letting him say anything else, Jaskier went to his room and closed the door behind him, leaving Geralt alone in the living room. Geralt looked around helplessly, not knowing what to do. It was too empty and colorless for a colorful person like Jaskier, and if he didn't know that the bard had been here for months, he wouldn't even say that someone was living here. There were very few items, and all top of them were covered with a distinct layer of dust.

Geralt went into the kitchen connected to the living room and looked at the stew Jaskier was talking about. The idea of eating was tempting until an hour ago, but now it has cooled off. It was painful not to be able to talk to him when he was so close to Jaskier. He had only one night to fix everything that he had done, and he didn't even know where to start. He couldn't fix their twenty year history in a single night, with a simple apology. Especially considering his inability to use words.

Geralt leaned against the counter as the desperation that covered his chest grew like an insatiable monster inside, and now mixed with his also growing guilt. What was he supposed to do about what happened to Jaskier? He was also terrible at calming people.

Jaskier was tortured. He was weakened and turned into this fearful, blind, fragile man whom Geralt did not know. It hurt Geralt just to look at him. He couldn’t protect the only friend he had ever made, this man who accepted him unconditionally and opened his love, apart from his brothers and Vesemir. He was ungrateful to him.

It was frightening that Jaskier began to occupy his life with a dangerous slowness, entering his personal space and being able to make himself accepted. When Geralt realized he couldn't leave him, this time he tried to push Jaskier away. He used harsh words, snarled at him, criticised his music but the more he showed his teeth, the more Jaskier stuck to him rather than retreating. And when Geralt tried to push him even more, Jaskier was one step closer to him and Geralt... _Geralt was afraid._ Afraid of this new unusual approach.

He had done nothing to deserve Jaskier's bubbly presence. In his whole life, he killed and he would continue to kill in the future. He had a dark, traumatic, lonely life that could last a man for several centuries. Jaskier on the other hand, belonged to the this bright, fun side of life. He did not know why the bard got away from there and attached himself to him. To a witcher, a mutant, an outcast... It was a riddle he would never know.

_‘’If live give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands!’’_

Jaskier didn't deserve to hear this. Yeah, he was in all kinds of shit because of him but in the end, Geralt was the one who made the decisions. He went to the court because of Jaskier, but it was Geralt who chose to use the Law of Surprise as a payment, Jaskier said nothing. In Rinde too, it was his own idea to take the djinn from the river and make a damn wish because he couldn't sleep. If the bard hadn't intervened maybe everything would have gone under control but since Jaskier was a trouble magnet, he was attacked by the djinn as a result of his wrong wish.

When he went to mayor’s house to rescue him, he met Yennefer and then made a fool of himself by sealing their destinies together.

So no, Jaskier didn't deserve any of his cruel words. He was with him for about twenty years. It must have been enough for him to be stay by his side, because up until this time Jaskier had never asked him for anything, not even a small request. While he smothered Geralt with compliments and many more beautiful words, he never expected any return from him. It was like he accepted that Geralt would not give him this already. Still, that big, pure smile on his face didn't go away for a second.

But in the end, he managed to hurt him too, pushing away from himself. Before he could abandoned him like everyone did, Geralt had left him. Kicked the bard out of his life.

Geralt always saw the bard as a guarantee. No matter what, no matter what he said, he was so sure that the bard would not leave, that when Jaskier really left his life, Geralt was surprised at what to do, how he should react to his disappearance.

And now it had caused them to come to this point.

Geralt came out of the hut like someone had set him on fire, feeling drowned in the small area. The cool evening air hit his face, and when the wind blew towards him calmed his nerves a little. Taking a deep breath, Geralt walked towards Roach to take care of his mare. Time passed quietly for a while. As the sky began to get dark, he left his mare and entered the hut again with timid steps.

It was quiet inside, except for the audible exchanges of breath announcing that Jaskier was still asleep. Geralt went to the kitchen, lighting one of the gas lamps, even though he didn't need it, and since he had nothing else to do, he decided to eat some stew.

When he pulled out a plate for himself, he heard a whimper. His calm posture instantly became tense, waiting for the sound to come out again. When the whimper reached his ear, this time more clear and high pitched, Geralt realized that the sound was coming from Jaskier and not from the outside.

Without missing a beat, he ran straight into the bedroom. With every whimper reaching his ears, a sharp tipped dagger was stuck in his heart, it was in sync with Jaskier’s painful whimpers, twisting and stabbing his heart again and again. Every corner of the house smelled the sharp smell of Jaskier's pain, and it was torture to hear his whimpering.

"Jaskier?’’

He knocked on the door, but when he couldn’t hear any sounds that indicated the bard had heard him, Geralt softly opened the door and peered inside. Jaskier had taken the fetal position on the small bed, his eyelids closed, indicating that he was still in the grip of his nightmare. Because of his thrashing, the covers had fallen to the ground, and most of his tunic had been collected up to the middle of his chest. When Geralt saw the scars covering his skin, a big crack rose from the door he was holding.

There were so many scars covering his normally cream smooth skin and lost its glow, dulled with scars almost enough match his own scars. Another detail that will make him feel worse is that his own scars have formed over the years, and Jaskier's in a short time. He didn't want to think about how much pain he suffered in the hands of his torturers. Otherwise instead of calming the bard, he would jump on Roach to brutally kill someone.

With his shoulders upright, he pulled his hands over the cracked door. As he managed to get to the head of the bed, he got down on his knees and looked at the sweat covering Jaskier's body, the tufts of his hair clinging to his forehead and there was a deep frown settled between his eyebrows.

Geralt felt a strong need to calm his bard, his hands itched to touch him, to calm and protect him from whatever he was seeing at the moment. But afraid that he would scare him more, he stopped himself instead and tried to call out again.

"Jaskier wake up, you're having a nightmare.’’

Jaskier of course, didn't hear him. He kept thrashing in bed, continuing to struggle with his imaginary monster, kicking the air, whimpering and sobbing at the same time. His quiet, supressed sobs that left his throat every once in a while, gutted Geralt's soul.

"Jaskier.’’

 _‘’It hurts..."_ Jaskier sobbed. As his head turned towards him again, tears began to gain behind his closed eyelids. ‘‘I don't know anything... I swear to gods.’’

"Jaskier." Geralt watched Jaskier squirm helplessly. "Wake up. Come on, my bard. Wake up, you're having a nightmare.’’

‘’It hurts.’’ Jaskier sobbed.

‘‘I know." Unable to resist himself, Geralt reached out and grabbed Jaskier by the shoulders, and tried not to shaken by how fragile his bones felt under his hands. Geralt slightly and then violently shook the bard. "Jaskier, _wake up.’’_

Jaskier immediately opened his eyes, taking a muffled breath as if he was emerging from under the sea. But his shaking didn't pass, tears still ran from his eyes and he continued to make those painful, heart wrenching whimpers. Geralt waited for the bard's consciousness to come, but then remembering that Jaskier was blind, he silently curse at himself. It was normal that Jaskier couldn't understand that he hadn't sobered up from his nightmare.

He clenched his chin so hard as not to growl. How many nights did Jaskier suffer in this way because he couldn't separate the dream from the real life, _because he was blind?_

Unable to bear to watch more, Geralt tried to reduce his voice to a level that could be called gentle or even soft, against the fact that it usually carries a growling timbre, and called his bard again.

"Jaskier, you're not having nightmares anymore, you're awake. Look, can you feel me touching you?’’

Jaskier frowned. After dry heaving few times, he managed to move into a semi sitting position, turning his head towards his voice.

‘‘G-Geralt?’’

‘’I'm here.’’

New tears flowed down the bard's wet cheeks as Geralt emphasized his word by gently squeezing his shoulders.

"Geralt. Geralt. _Geralt.’’_

‘’I'm here." Geralt stroked the bard's arms, not knowing what other word to use. ‘‘I'm here, Jask. I'm right here with you.’’

"Geralt." Jaskier clung to his arms, a wet hiccup passed out of his lips. ‘‘Don't let them hurt me. _Please_. Everything burns and hu-hurts. Geralt— _please_ , it hurts. It hurts so much.’’

Geralt froze on his spot for a few seconds. Then, because he couldn’t find the appropriate words to calm Jaskier, instead of answering he wrapped his arms around the bard, pressing his weak body against himself. Jaskier immediately wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his chest, then a moment later violent sobs began to shake his body. He was crying so loudly and violently that Geralt feared for a moment that he would not be able to breathe.

Without loosening his grip, he sat next to Jaskier and started to stroke bard's long sweat soaked hair. He was saying something, but he wasn't exactly sure what he was saying. But somehow his words or touches -perhaps both- began to comfort Jaskier. After a while, the bard's hoarse voice was heard.

"Sorry, ahh it was a bad dream." Jaskier said with a sniff, wiped the tears flowing through the sleeve of his clothing. "I hope I didn't bother you. Were you asleep?’’

Geralt felt his throat tighten. The same rock was clogging his windpipe and making him unable to breath again.

‘’No.’’

‘‘Did you like the stew?’’

Against the absurd question, Geralt retreated and looked at the bard with confused eyes. Despite his disheveled appearance and his rapidly beating heart, which showed that he was still under the influence of his nightmare, was he really asking him about how the damn stew tasted?

"Jaskier, you were having a nightmare.’’

‘’Yes." Jaskier said simply. Geralt wanted to shake him up.

"Do you want to talk about it? If you want to share-‘’

‘’No." With a sharp whimper, Jaskier withdrewed from his arms and leaned against the headboard. With his head bowed, his long hair concealed his face from him, but still Geralt could choose the tears running down his cheeks in the dark.

His hands were itching to get the bard back between his arms. He had a burning need to offer his warmth, to hug him tightly, to bury his nose in those soft looking hair, to inhale his scent and calm him down at the same time. Maybe that's the last thing Jaskier wanted from him. His posture was clearly crumbling to show that he wanted to be left alone, and despite his long height, he managed to look small and fragile in his eyes.

For a while, Geralt listened to the sobs that broke the silence without getting up from where he was sitting. Seeing Jaskier like this affected the witcher more than anything he had ever seen. Jaskier’s posture was always confident, his chin was proudly up in the air like nobles, but now he looked like a lost little boy whose self confidence was torn to pieces, waiting to be hurt like he knew there was no other option.

Geralt licked his dry lips, saying the first word that suddenly came to his mind.

‘’I'm sorry.’’

Jaskier's sobs became muted, and his frail body became tense as he heard his words. Wishing he could ease his tension quickly, Geralt let his words came unfiltered out of his lips. He would no longer hide his feelings from the bard. He wanted him to know how he felt, that maybe one day Jaskier would find the strength in his heart to forgive him. It was also a possibility that Jaskier never forgave him, and Geralt had already accepted that possibility. He just wanted to be a part of the bard's life again. If Jaskier did not want him in his life, Geralt would go quietly without objection. It was going to be very difficult for him, of course, but he considered Jaskier's happiness higher and more important than his own. He would do anything to make the bard happy again, Geralt loved him that much.

"I know I haven't been fair to you. I know how much I hurt you, Jaskier. I've said some terrible words to you, and I'll never be able to take them back.’’

"You say that because you feel sorry for me." Jaskier said brokenly. Geralt shook his head as a no, then continued to speak, remembering that the bard couldn’t see him.

"After you left, I started to understand everything. I've been thinking about what I said and what I did to you. A year and a half ago, when I kicked you out of my life, I didn't know what I wanted.’’

Jaskier raised his head, his unfocused gray eyes turned to his chest.

‘‘Do you know what you want now?’’

Geralt answered without hesitation.

‘’Yes. _You.’’_

Jaskier's breath hitched. Seeing his wet cheeks turn pink as his heart fluttered rapidly inside his rib cage again warmed Geralt's heart.

"Geralt-‘’

‘‘I'm sorry." Geralt gently interrupted him, saying the words he should have said from the beginning. "All these years you've been trying to show me what I need, and I haven't seen it.’’ As he hesitantly reached out and grabbed one of Jaskier's hands, the bard opened his thin, elegant fingers and tightly wrapped his. A small, emotional smile appeared on Geralt's face. ‘‘I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so late." He took his trembling hand, which gripped him tightly, to his lips and kissed the soft warm skin. "I’m sorry running away from my feelings and from you.’’

"Geralt... I-I don't know what to say. This is so sudden.’’

Geralt smiled.

‘’You don't have to say anything." After another kiss was placed on the bard’s hand, he whispered in a kind voice. "Jaskier, will you come with me to Kaer Morhen?’’

"But it's your home." Jaskier frowned with sheer confusion. "Are you sure you want me there?’’

"Jaskier." Geralt realized for the first time that how much he really hurt the man, and took a deep breath to chase the pain that burned his chest. ‘’You're also my home.’’

Jaskier's gray eyes flashed, immediately afterwards, as new tears flowed down his pale pink cheeks and dripped down the tip of his chin, Geralt took his face between his palms and wiped the tears with his thumbs. Jaskier sniffed loudly and touched his wrists.

"But I-I'm blind, Geralt.’’

‘’I know, and I'll fix it.’’

Jaskier shook his head from side to side, holding onto his wrists.

"Even though I've been in this hut for months, I'm still hitting and knocking over things. I can't accompany you on the road. I'm not going to bring you anything but a trouble, I'm no more than a nuisance.’’

‘’You're not. I never saw you as a trouble or a nuisance.’’

A bitter smile appeared on Jaskier's face.

‘’You're lying.’’

"Jaskier," Geralt said, realizing that he still couldn't express himself well enough, brought Jaskier closer to himself. "I know I've damaged your trust, and I can understand that you think I'm lying, but everything I'm saying right now is true.’’

While he had always observed people from a distance and did not allow them to approach too much, breaking this habit contradicted everything he had been taught. Vesemir had advised him to always refrain from showing weakness.

Being a witcher meant being in a constant struggle. As soon as the monsters ended, people started. Humilating words, items thrown at him, idiots who resort to physical violence... Geralt was used to it all. Fighting was coded in his blood. He had to struggle for every second of his life, every moment he breathed, and he had to show no weakness to be able to do it. Emotions were at the beginning of it.

If he became attached to someone, not only his life would be in danger, but also that person's life. People would try every way to get to him, and because they couldn't easily hurt him, it was easier for them to choose someone he cared about as their target. In a way, that's why Geralt didn't involve anyone in his life. As much as he was afraid of his feelings, he didn't want anyone to get hurt because of his selfishness and succumb to them. He had enough blood on his hands, and he didn't need to get the blood of someone he loved.

But now he had Jaskier, Ciri and Yennefer in his life. He didn't want to let them down. He could not stay behind the boundaries he trusted, it was too late for that. His emotions were clear when he was around them, maybe he couldn't project much on his face, but his quickening heartbeat and breathing easily giving away what he felt.

So he didn't want Jaskier to fight his demons alone. Geralt experienced loneliness with all his cells, even tasted it. That's how he handled his eighty years beautifully. But starting with Jaskier, he began to understand what he had been missing since Yennefer and Ciri took turns in his life.

Geralt saw that it could be more than that, and he wanted to show it to Jaskier. It wasn't his feelings that scared him anymore. Nor did he worry that his loneliness had been violated or that he would not be able to escape it. His fears had completely changed. He didn't want to lose Jaskier, he wanted to keep him with him as long as he could, to keep him from leaving if possible. It was a pretty selfish and sick thought maybe, but Geralt was already a selfish man. Once he had his walls down, there was no turning back for him.

"I don't want to be a burden." Jaskier said. His voice was nothing more than a broken whisper.

"You can be many things, but you're not a burden. _Never_. Do you hear me? You were never a burden to me, even in the moments I thought you were the most frustrating man I ever met. Do you know when I first felt your absence before what happened on the mountain?" He continued his sentence without waiting for Jaskier to answer. ‘’The first time we parted ways for winter. The road is quiet without you, too quiet. I used to think I liked being alone, but now I can see it's nothing but a habit. You brought light to my path, Jaskier. You are the most beautiful blessing that Destiny has ever given to me.’’

A strange sound rose from Jaskier's throat, and after searching him with his clever hands, he managed to wrap his arms around him, resting his head on his chest. Relieved that his bard was between his arms again, Geralt grasped him firmly and placed his lips on his forehead.

‘’I don't want to get hurt again." Jaskier couldn’t suppress the desperation in his voice. ‘’I... I can't, Geralt. I can't face the same pain again. I can't.’’

‘’I'll be careful. I want to be good to you Jaskier. All I want is a chance.’’

‘’You're already a good man." Jaskier hugged him a little tighter and kissed his neck with a ghostly touch of his lips. "You don't have to prove yourself to me Geralt, I know your heart. Just stay as you are.’’

*

Traveling with Jaskier was both what he used to be and was not. The bard was quiet most of the time as they both sat on top of Roach, and Geralt was not used to his silence. The lute attached to Roach's saddle came out of its sheath only to be oiled or its strings checked, there were neither the songs he was used to, nor the muttering of Jaskier which often broke the silence. The only sound he heard was the sound of Roach's horseshoes and the sweet rustling of tree leaves rubbing against each other.

He didn't know what to do, how to break this cursed silence.

It had been two weeks since they said goodbye to Helga, the healer who took care of Jaskier, and left. He could feel the tension growing between them every day. Jaskier was like a bomb waiting to explode, his shoulders were taut, and his posture was tense as if he had swallowed a stick. Geralt didn't know what the problem was that made the bard feel that way. He didn’t ask Jaskier about what had happened to him, Jaskier's stance made it clear to him that he did not want to talk about it. So Geralt decided to make him feel that he was there for him and supported him, rather than bring it up to him unless the bard felt ready. It was the best thing he could do right now, he didn't want to push Jaskier and make him even more curled into his shell.

"We can spend the night here, it's safe enough.’’

When Jaskier answered him with his silence, Geralt sighed and stopped Roach with a small pull. He then came down from his mare, placing his hands around Jaskier’s waist to help him down.

‘’I can get down myself." Jaskier muttered dully. Geralt ignored him and tightened his hold as he easily lifted the bard from the saddle, he caught the change in Jaskier's scent. He frowned, he could smell the faint gunpowder in the air. It was a scent he'd been smelling for the last week, and he couldn't understand it. Why was Jaskier angry with him? The bard rarely got angry at him, Geralt was often used to the bard's sweet, peaceful scent. This... This was new, and he couldn’t understand the reason behind it.

‘’I don't want you to get hurt.’’ In response to feeling the need to explain himself, Jaskier rolled his eyes and passed him, muttering a quiet ''Sure.''. Geralt frowned even more, but instead of saying anything, he began to untie his saddle and took care of Roach until the tension in the air subsided. Minutes later, as the mare was free from the saddle, she shrugged off her body and made her way to the open field. Geralt then headed for his belongings to prepare the campsite.

‘’I can help." When Jaskier appeared next to him with quiet steps and began to go through the bags to find the items, Geralt gently grabbed him by the wrists and stroked the top of his hands, moving him away from his belongings. He didn't want to give him any extra work to exhaust him, while not being able to see around was hard enough for him. All the years they spent together, Jaskier had been the one who took care of him without expecting anything in return, and now Geralt wanted to be the one who did it. He could express that Jaskier was important to him through his actions rather than using damn words.

"No need, I'll take care of it. Why don’t you just enjoy yourself?''

The smell of gunpowder in the air became even sharper. A muscle in Jaskier's jaw twitched, his lips formed a thin line and turning on his heels, he walked towards the opening like Roach. When the distance between them opened up a little, the bard turned his back on him and sat down on the ground.

Geralt began quietly setting up the camp, trying to figure out the cause of the escalating tension. It felt like if he made a slightest sound, Jaskier would turn around to face him and yell as loud as he could. It was funny when he thought about it, he was always the one who preferred silence in the relationship between them. But now he was almost ready to kill someone for a little sound, and Jaskier didn’t even muttered One. Fucking. Word. Geralt was going to lose his mind.

After setting up the camp and lighting a fire big enough to heat the two of them, Geralt walked to him, making as much as noise he closed the distance so as not to scare Jaskier. The bard hadn’t changed the position he had sat in half an hour earlier, his chin rested on his folded knees, arms wrapped around himself. There was something about his posture that felt lonely, as if Geralt wasn't standing next to him. Jaskier looked small and vulnerable like the world was just too damn big for him to live in.

‘’Yes?" the bard said, pulling him out of his thoughts. Geralt cleared his throat with a fake cough.

"I'll look for something to eat.’’

‘’Okay.’’

"Will you be okay alone?’’

For a second, Jaskier's eyes flashed with angry flames, and the smell of gunpowder became more intense than ever, suffocating Geralt. But as the bard blinked his gray, foggy looking eyes, the flames disappeared, and instead of the scent of gunpowder, the scent of wet earth surrounded him.

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’Are you sure?’’

Jaskier hugged himself more, resting his head on his knees.

"Yes Geralt, you can go. I can take care of myself, Roach will look after me." Even though he heard the sarcasm in his voice, the sadness on his face was so obvious that it overshadowed the sarcasm that lay in his words.

"Jaskier-‘’

"Go, Geralt.’’

Geralt sighed.

‘’I'll be right back.’’

After taking his daggers with him to hunt, he went straight into the forest. It didn't seem right for him to leave Jaskier alone, but he had to hunt to feed their bellies, and it was safe enough for the bard to be alone for a short time. And as Jaskier said, he left Roach with him. At worst, he could get away from danger by riding the mare.

Geralt stayed true to his word and caught three wild rabbits in a very short period of time. When he returned to camp with the rabbits, he found Jaskier taking care of Roach. While the bard quietly stroked the mare's neck, Roach was busy chewing the grass, allowing him to touch her. Though the sun had set minutes earlier, the air was still bright, the sky had begun to darken slightly and every shade of red painted the cloudless evening.

A few minutes later Jaskier left Roach's side, took his lute in his hand and sat on the floor. Jaskier's soft voice was quiet than a whisper, as if he were telling a painful secret. When Geralt began to hear the first sentence, he noticed that Jaskier was actually _singing_.

_I don't know how to face it_  
_I don't know how to name it_  
_Know who to blame_  
_But nothing seems alright_

_Can you hear me out there?_  
_Can you help me? I'm scared_  
_Can you lift me?_  
_Can you give me a sign?_

_Can you beat back the night?_  
_Can you make things alright?_  
_Can you hold me?_  
_Can you show me the light?_

As he ended the rest with a slight murmur and his fingers hovering over the strings, Geralt began to move towards him. He had never heard Jaskier sing that song. He didn't know how to express it, but something in the bard's voice almost crushed Geralt's heart. He felt the longing, the need that lay in his words. It was so raw, like a huge pile of untouched mines.

As he approached him, Jaskier quickly catched his footsteps and turned his head towards his direction.

‘’Geralt! How long have you been there? Did you hear anything?’’

‘’Your song, " Geralt said, sitting next to him. As soon as the beginning of the sentence came out of his mouth, the fake smile on Jaskier's face fell. ‘‘I heard for the first time. Is it new?’’

‘’Sort of." Jaskier pulled his fingers from the his lute and passed one hand through his brown hair, which fell on his forehead, and his blind eyes looked down like he was escaping from his questioning gaze. The little light from the campfire lightened his pale skin slightly, but also clarified the mournful expression that began to appear more evident on his face.

"Jaskier-‘’

‘’Did you catch something?’’

‘’Rabbit.’’ Geralt grunted, he was angry that Jaskier closed the matter without even giving it a chance.

‘‘That's great! I'll help you skin them.’’

‘’No." Geralt took one of the rabbits in his hands and began to skin him. ‘’I got it.’’

"Then I'll do the seasoning. Or I can help you cook, I don't want to just sit.’’

"You don't have to help Jas, I'll handle everything. Just enjoy yourself.’’

Jaskier's nostrils widened in anger and after taking a deep, audible breath, he stood up with a swear.

‘’Okay, that's enough of me." Geralt frowned as Jaskier rustled up his lute and then took its case. He then walked towards his belongings.

"Jaskier? What are you doing?’’

‘‘What am I doing? I'm going!" Jaskier said, shouting.

‘‘Why?" Geralt put the rabbits on the ground and stood up calmly. ‘‘Did I do something wrong?’’

"Ohhh, and now you ask?" Jaskier grasped his lute so tightly that a bitter squeak rose from the instrument. But instead of caring about his precious lute, the bard turned his fiery gaze to where he stood. "Do you have any idea how you've treated me since we left? I'm blind Geralt, not invalid! I still have my hands and feet intact, and just because I can't see my direction doesn't mean I'm crippled! Stop treating me like I am!’’

‘’I... I wasn't aware of.’’

‘’I'm tired of sitting in a corner all the time! You don't let me get on or down of the saddle myself, you don't let me touch your stuff, you don't even let me make the damn beds! I'm not a fucking ornament!’’

"Jaskier,‘’

‘’No! I refuse to let you just put me away any longer!’’

When Geralt quickly went to the bard’s side and placed his hands on his arms, Jaskier pushed him away. Geralt let him push and staggered a few steps back, putting distance between him and the bard. Jaskier's face was crimson red, his eyes were large and bright, and the veins on his neck were noticeable.

‘’I can take care of myself! I took care of myself before you came, and I can now too! You didn't have to crush my remaining pride by treating me like a cripple, witcher!’’

‘‘What— _No_ , Jaskier. Jaskier, listen to me.’’

Geralt reached out to touch him again, but Jaskier again pushed him back, defying him.

‘’No! You listen to me, I don't want to feel helpless and powerless anymore. I've been struggling with myself for months Geralt, and if I feel these feelings any more, I'll drown, you understand?! I can't stand it! I can’t stand _this!_ I'm leaving.’’

_‘‘No!’’_

Unable to hide the panic reflected in his voice, Geralt grabbed Jaskier by the arm and pulled the bard to his chest, wrapping his arms around him. Jaskier squirmed, punched, shouted to get rid of his hold but Geralt tightened his hold a little more each time instead of letting him go.

‘’I'm sorry.’’ He spoke, voice thicker than usual to suppress Jaskier's screams. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I... I was just trying to make things easier.’’

"By making me feel like a useless piece of shit?’’

‘’No, fuck— Of course not." Geralt kissed the top of his head, hoping that his bard would hear the sincerity in his words. "For years, you took care of me without getting tired, I was trying to pay for it.’’

"I never expected you to returned it. I love you unconditionally, Geralt.’’

Still. Feeling the word even thought Jaskier didn’t say it, made Geralt so relieved that he almost fell to his knees.

‘‘I know." Geralt began to draw small relaxing circles on his back. "I'm trying to do what's best for you, but obviously I screwed up.’’

A wet, broken laugh rose from Jaskier.

‘’Absolutely.’’

As Jaskier's voice thinned towards the end and sounded painful, Geralt felt tears that began to soak his top. He had to be the biggest pile of shit on earth. He hurt Jaskier badly. _Once again_. When was he gonna start learning?

"Jaskier," Geralt retreated slightly to see the bard's face and looked at the wet, flushed face between his palms. He gently wiped away the tears with his tumbs, then stroked the silky flesh to calm his bard. ‘’What do you want me to do? Show me how to make you feel better.’’

"Every time you touch me, you act like I'm going to torn into pieces. I know that you see me weak, more weak than a child maybe and... I-I know, I don't look as good as I used to-‘’ Geralt protested his words with a fierce growl. "But I'm stronger than I look Geralt. Approach me the way you used to, don't take away what I can do. I know you say you did it without realizing it, but whenever you do it, you make me feel more clearly that I cannot see. And it doesn't go beyond hitting me in the face that I'm useless.’’

Geralt took a sharp breath. He didn't know he made Jaskier feel that bad. He must have been tormenting the man for two weeks, thinking he was helping him, but in reality he was hurting him so bad that Jaskier wanted to leave his side. He never really wanted to hit his weakness in the face.

"I swear to gods, Jaskier. I didn't know.’’

‘‘I know that. I know that now." Jaskier left a soft, ghost kiss on one of his palms. "Support me Geralt. Stay with me, help me to learn the world again. That's all I want from you.’’

*

A week before they reached Kaedwen, Geralt stopped in front of a small tavern. Before they got here, he had eliminated the not so big harpy nest and filled the coin bag a little more. As they got closer to Kaer Morhen, his kind was welcomed more warmly compared to other places. Geralt could arrange a room where they could spend the night. When they started climbing the mountain, they would stay away from comfort for a while. Besides, buying Jaskier a horse was a good opportunity, he had enough money. Although ard did not complain about sitting in front of him, he could already sense that both Roach and Jaskier would be happy with this new development. It would have been good for Jaskier to feel a little more independent.

After the conversation, Geralt was quite enlightened. Vesemir's training came to mind as he was looking for solutions for Jaskier to combat with his disability. Vesemir, along with his brothers, advised them not to always rely on their sensory organs strengthened by mutation, while training them, each time he closed off one of their sensory organ during training, forcing them to continue fighting and learning to adapt the situations with the remaining ones.

He only learned what it felt like to be blind during that training, but he knew. His bard was not a witcher, so he could not expect him to adapt to his environment as easily as he did, while Geralt was made for it; _adapt and kill regardless of the circumstances._ Jaskier had fallen from the joyful, vibrant part of the world to the darkness. He could only guess what a terrible torture it was, especially for a man of color and art like Jaskier, to be doomed to darkness while knowing what the world was once like.

But what Geralt appreciated most about Jaskier was that he never gave up. The glowing smile on Jaskier's face was priceless, as Geralt made him a splinter free stick so he wouldn't bump around as he walked and find his way more easily. Despite all the pain he had suffered, the fact that he could still smile showed how strong he was, and it was a very rare trait. He didn't think that people of his kind, even himself, were this strong.

Although Jaskier got better as the days went on, when the night came, the nightmares were ready to attack the bard. Though Geralt tried to wake him up by calling him by name, Jaskier couldn’t get rid of his nightmares without Geralt touching him. Every time he woke up, the expression of terror on his face filled Geralt's entire body with a burning desire to kill. Jaskier's fear was like acid, burning and tearing everything apart. He wanted to find the people who tortured him and tear them to pieces until there was nothing left of them.

But since he couldn't do it, he spent the night calming Jaskier down, and he could tell that he was starting to get better. It was always difficult to suppress his anger, but he was able to do it for a better purpose- _to calm Jaskier._ To see Jaskier relax under his touch was like witnessing a miracle. Each time it managed to amaze him, to witness that his hardened hands, callused from holding a sword and used to taking lives, could bring such a peace.

It was also an addictive feeling. Seeing his breathing calm and the terror in his eyes slowly diminish as he put his fingers through Jaskier's long, silky hair filled the void in his chest with a ferocious urge to protect.

Greeted with a warm smile by the inn owner, when Jaskier raced ahead of him to set up the room before him, Geralt let him pass with a small smile. As he lost his sight, Jaskier's ability to hear and taste sharpened. Sometimes he could capture subtle sounds that only a witcher could hear. When Geralt realized this, he began to teach Jaskier how to find his direction more easily and defend himself with his strengthened senses. Some days were slower and harder than others, but Jaskier was learning. His perseverance was the kind that even Vesemir would appreciate, wild, unyielding and stubborn. The old Jaskier was slowly beginning to show himself and to be able to witness it, to know that he had an effect, made Geralt happy.

Jaskier arranged the room at a fairly affordable price, carefully climbing the stairs to get to their room, while Gerat came from behind and carried their things.

‘’I can't wait to eat. I hope there's something meaty for dinner and of course ale. Oh, maybe they have wine! What do you say, Geralt?’’

‘‘Hmm?" When Geralt opened the door of their room and made Jaskier enter first, his bard started to search the bed with his stick.

‘‘Ah, there it is!" Jaskier joyfully walked over to the bed and threw himself on the freshly washed covers, sighing happily as he rubbed his face like a kitten. "Finally, the comfort I deserve.’’

Geralt made a grunt that sounded like a laugh. He closed the door behind him, leaving their belongings in the corner so Jaskier wouldn't trip over them, he then approached his bard with audible steps and hummed playfully, leaning over him.

"I didn't know you were complaining about the situation."

When his warm breath hit Jaskier's face, the bard's plump cheeks blushed with a sweet pink and as his bard reached out and kissed his lips gently, a happy growl rose from Geralt's throat. Their kiss was open mouthed, slow, gentle and warm. He could sense that there was something still holding Jaskier back a bit, so instead of sticking his tongue through the soft lips and tasting him deeply, Geralt only kissed the shape of his soft lips, tasting the corners and sweetness that always surrender Jaskier.

"Geralt," Jaskier clung to his collars, tilted his head slightly to the side and covered huge part of his face with his long hair. ‘‘I'm sorry.’’

Geralt's frowned, when he gently grabbed Jaskier's chin and turned it to see his face, he saw the fragile expression that settled there. He whispered in a soft, soothing voice and kissed his temple.

‘‘What are you apologizing for?’’

"I want to do more than kiss you. I know you want it too, but—but, _Geralt-‘’_

‘’Shh," Geralt caressed Jaskier's face, kissing the tears that were about to flow. ‘’What makes you think we should hurry?’’

‘’But-‘’

"The only thing that matters to me right now is your happiness. I want to see you happy Jas, if you're not ready, then you're not. It's that simple, we don't have to rush anything." He bent down his neck and left a small, loving kiss on Jaskier’s lips again. "I want to enjoy every moment. Don’t you want that too?’’

"Fuck." Jaskier laughed wetly as another tear flowed down his eye. ‘‘When did you get so good with words?’’

"I spend too much time with you.’’

Geralt got up slowly, and as he helped Jaskier to straighten up, his bard tried to cover his flushed face by playing and straigtening his fair with his slender fingers.

"Well, ahh, so should we go downstairs and eat some food?’’

"There is not much distance left between us and Kaer Morhen." Geralt tied his steel sword to his belt and left some coins on the wooden table that standing next to the door. "I have a few things to pick up before we reach to the mountain. Don't wait for me to eat and take a warm bath, I left some coins on the table.’’

‘‘Will you be back soon?’’

When he smelled the fear and anxiety that suddenly crept into the room like summer rain, Geralt looked at the nervous lines that appeared on Jaskier's face. Eyes big with fear, face washed of colors, lips formed into a thin line... Jaskier had exactly the same facial expression as when Geralt first met him weeks ago.

‘‘Jaskier, what’s wrong?’’

‘‘Will you be back soon?" Jaskier said, repeating his question. Geralt studied him from head to toe, trying to figure out what affected his bard this suddenly.

"Geralt?’’

‘’Yeah. I'll be back before you know I'm gone.’’

Jaskier took such a deep breath that his entire body trembled with violence. Geralt felt his throat tighten against the anxiety that spread in waves from the man. Closing the distance between them with great steps, he raised his arms to hold Jaskier, but Jaskier acted before him. His bard hugged him around the waist with a force that knocked the air out of him and buried his face in his chest.

"Jaskier— ’’

‘’ _Just_ —just come back quickly.’’

"If it bothers you that I'm leaving, I can stay here.’’

Geralt stroked Jaskier's hair, hoping to help him and ease his anxiety. It was not the first time he had left Jaskier alone, he had left the bard alone with Roach many times before to hunt or kill monsters when they were camping. Now he couldn't understand why the situation was different. Was it because they’re here? Could being indoors trigger his memories?

"I'll be fine, Geralt." Jaskier pulled away and straightened his shoulders to look sure. "Go and take care of what you have to do. _I’ll be fine_ , dont worry.’’

‘‘Are you sure?’’

Geralt clenched his jaw and waited for Jaskier to talk to him, to give a small explanation of what he was afraid of. It hurt him not to be able to help the man he loved. Jaskier's gray eyes were clouded by a hunted expression, all the color on his face had washed away. He looked more ghost than a human, yet instead of talking, he pressed his lips tightly together, offering him a closed, unnerving smile.

"Don't worry about me, Geralt. Like I said, it's fine. I'll be fine. I can handle it by myself for a few hours, I'm a big man after all.’’

Although Geralt was not convinced, he knew that Jaskier would be more drawn to himself than to answer him, if he resisted further. With a defeated sigh, Geralt left a kiss on his bard’s forehead that promised to return him quickly. He then made his way to the door but stopped to look Jaskier one more time, before he left him. He was not leaving him forever, but there was this uneasiness that holding him back.

He stared at Jaskier over his shoulder, leaving his dagger on the table just before he left the room.

"I leave my dagger to you, its standing next to the coins.’’

The fake smile on Jaskier's face stayed.

‘’Okay.’’

And Geralt left.

*

It was about to be evening when he returned to the tavern.

He had found Jaskier a strong, young mare which looked more white than gray. Even though she is still young, she is a very calm, controlled horse. Geralt had trained dozens of horses so far, and when he looked into the eyes of the horse, he could figure out what character the animal had, whether it was calm or angry from its walk. This mare was definitely going to be good for Jaskier. Geralt could already feel that this would happen clearly.

After negotiating a fair price with the seller, Geralt went straight to the inn stable with the mare and tied her to the next to Roach’s stall, allowing the two horses to get used to each other in a controlled way. Roach was not a jealous mare, but it was still a more reasonable option not to let go of caution and give them some time to get used to each other before they set out straight away.

After seeing the two calmly sniffing each other through the low wall, he left with a small smile. He could only imagine how happy Jaskier would be at the news, the shape his face would take. Pink cheeks, a caring smile that looked both embarrassed and grateful, and eyes shining with love and fondness.

Geralt swallowed, corner of his lips turned upside down with the dark aura that hit him in the face when he entered through the inn’s door. Apparently, everything was normal. It was full of people drinking ale, talking loudly and laughing, and it was too crowded compared to noon. He could see that everyone was having a pleasant evening.

_Except for the inn owner._

When his gaze found the middle aged woman, the woman swallowed nervously and she gestured him to come near her side. Geralt easily found his way through the crowd and ended up next to the woman in single breath. His heart, which normally beats in a slow rhythm, began to beat up faster when he saw the fear in the woman's eyes.

"Master witcher-‘’

"Jaskier. Did something happen to Jaskier?’’

She once again swallowed and played with the ends of her clothing.

"After you left, your friend asked us to bring a bath and food to his room about an hour ago. So we went up to his room to fulfill his request and knocked on his door before entering." When the woman's anxious eyes found Geralt, witcher's jaw clenced. Before he left, he also realized that something was wrong with Jaskier, but he still chose to go, leaving the bard alone with the problem that he had clear difficulty about speaking out. Geralt knew it was a stupid move, but they needed a second horse for their travel and part of him really wanted to surprise and make his bard happy.

"Your friend is not well, master witcher.’’

He knew the inn was safe enough to left his bard for couple hours, _what could have gone wrong?_

The woman didn't need to say anything else, Geralt sprinted to the stairs like an arrow and smelled the acidic scent of fear lining the corridor before reaching the room they shared. But there was another thing in the scent that made him clench his fists and growl. _Blood_.

_"Jaskier!’’_

Geralt broke down the door and entered with his sword in hand. Though his instincts said there was no threat, his logic was torn to pieces the moment he sensed Jaskier's fear. He didn’t expect to find Jaskier retreated to a corner, holding his dagger by the sharp end instead of holding it by the hilt and muttering some incomprehensible words in horror.

His right hand was covered in blood, he was gripping the dagger so tightly that Geralt had no doubt that the cut was deep and painful, but Jaskier didn't seem to feel the pain. The bard was more like whispering deliriously, as if he were stuck in a moment. Jaskier's failure to hear him, despite entering the room quite loudly, rang alarm bells in Geralt's mind. In an effort not to let the panic overtake him, the witcher put his sword on the ground and approached the bard, trying to make as much noise as he could as he walked.

As the wood beneath him creaked, Jaskier's head turned towards him, and he turned the dagger he was gripping firmly towards him, screaming in a voice of pure fear.

_‘‘Don't come any closer!’’_

Geralt looked at the flowing tears, the blood smearing and painting red on Jaskier’s silky clothes, and his unfocused fearful eyes. He knew that image. Whenever Jaskier woke up from his nightmares, he could not always easily distinguish between reality and what he saw, and looked at him in this way, with pure fear and horror. Geralt's throat burned, every piece in him wanted him to hug the bard from where he stood, press him firmly into his body, chase his demons, and make him feel safe.

"Jaskier, it's me. Geralt." Geralt got a little closer to him, not taking into account the dagger Jaskier had pointed at him. "You're not there, not anymore. You're with me. You remember, right?’’

 _‘’Stay away from me."_ Jaskier hurled the dagger like a wild animal. Because his eyes couldn't see, he just cut off the air with the dagger. His image was exactly the same like a timid animal, there’s no possible way for him to escape. As scared as he was, he was ready to fight, and it hurt Geralt. He no longer had to fight alone, he was safe, Geralt could protect him from everything he could until his last breath.

When Geralt stepped in again with another squeak coming out of the wooden floor beneath him, Jaskier was able to swing the dagger, this time towards where he was standing. If he had been a normal man, it was quite possible that Jaskier could have injured him with this movement, and this gave Geralt pride.

Geralt, thanks to his inhuman reflexes, grabbed Jaskier by the wrist before the dagger could reach him, and because he knew he couldn't take the dagger from him without hurting him any more, he just grabbed his wrist. Jaskier's breath trembled as Geralt’s thumb began to draw soothing circles over the rapidly beating pulse. Jaskier’s body shivered violently with fear.

"Please, I don't know anything. Please... Let me go, _please_. You took away my sight, what more do you want?’’

The question took away all the breath in Geralt's lungs, and was replaced by a wild desire to kill, which even scared him. At that moment, he swore to find and destroy the bastards who made Jaskier this way. So full of fear and terror, pain... So, so much pain.

"Remember the first time we went hunting together?" Geralt continued to make soothing circles with his thumb, trying not to scare Jaskier any further by resisting his anger. "I told you to stay away, but you came close to the damn lake because you were curious about the drowners, and one of them grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you into the water. You remember, right? For a week, your fever never went down, and you kept repeating stupid poems about how much Countess de Stael broke your heart. Some nights I really thought about gagging you.’’

As he listened to him, Jaskier's rapidly beating pulse slowed down. His heart was still beating uneven and his breathing was coming out fast, but the acidic, burning scent of fear was beginning to subside.

"Then I took you to a small town in Rinde. When the healer was taking care of you, you courted her by telling her what an angelic face the old woman had and how she smelled like a rose garden. Do you remember that part?" As he listened to his story, when he saw Jaskier's hold on the dagger begin to relax, Geralt continued to tell his story, carefully taking the dagger from Jaskier's hand and throwing it away. "And when she approached you to leave a wet cloth on your head to lower your fever, you kissed her on the lips. The poor old woman almost had a heart attack.’’

Jaskier took a sharp breath. His gray eyes were surprisingly turned right into his eyes, as if he were seeing something, then he mumbled his name, sobbing along with new tears.

_"Geralt.’’_

"I'm here Jaskier.’’

Without saying anything else, Jaskier climbed on top of him, buried his face in his chest and began to cry quietly. Geralt did what he wanted to do from the beginning, wrapping his arms around Jaskier, pressing him against his body and trying to offer the safety Jaskier was looking for. Minutes, maybe hours later, when Jaskier finally began to calm down, the front of his outfit was covered in Jaskier's blood and tears and snot, but he didn't care, the only thing he cared about was that his bard’s well being.

"After what happened on the mountain, I was on my way to Novigrad." Jaskier's voice was hoarse, although what he said sounded incomprehensible because he leaned his head against his chest, Geralt could easily hear him thanks to his sharp senses, and only with the name of the mountain, his whole body was filled with quilt. ‘‘I stayed in Roggeden for a while before arriving in Novigrad. If I'm not remembering wrong, I was there for about a week. There was a man at the inn where I was staying.’’

Jaskier held on to him a little tighter. Even though Geralt guessed that his injured hand hurt more because of his movement, Jaskier kept quiet.

‘‘He was a tall and slightly large man. He had black hair, brown eyes and several scars on his face that made him look frightening. On my fifth night at the inn, I performed for a few hours at the request of the inn owner. Everyone accompanied my songs, they drunk ale like it were water. When I headed to the bar to take a break and wet my throat a little, the man I told about earlier bought me a drink. And then we started chatting, you know how I can't keep my mouth shut. As I spoke to the guy, I could see that he was a friendly guy, contrary to his appearance. Or it was because I wanted to see it that way. I'm not sure."

Jaskier smiled bitterly.

‘‘Whatever. At the end of the night, when he asked me what I would do next, I implied that I would be alone in the room-I've always had a weakness for huge men with scars- he told me to not lock the door and kissed my cheek then left. I did what he asked me to do like an idiot. I hadn't slept with anyone in a while and I was in hunger for physical contact. I-I was... I was just desperate. Couldn't stop my weakness, and that's why I didn't lock the door that night.’’

Jaskier's tremors increased its intensity. Geralt began to draw circles on his back again and kissed the top of his head, offering the best comfort he could muster without interrupting him.

‘‘I waited him for hours. Near morning, I couldn't resist the sleep any longer, but as I went to bed I heard the door open. I asked him where he was lingering until this hour. He just smiled and opened the door a little more, showing the other two men behind him. At that moment, I knew something was going to happen to me. I know I noticed this so late, but Geralt—I didn't know, if I knew...‘’

‘‘I know, Jas, I know." Geralt hugged Jaskier tighter, trying to suppress his growl. "You didn't know what was going to happen.’’

"But I should have noticed. I don't remember how he got me out of the inn, all I can remember about the moment when he covered my nose with a piece of cloth, then everything went dark.’’ Jaskier sniffed loudly and leaned his wet cheek against his shoulder. "When I came back to myself, I was in a place like a dungeon. There were three people who regularly tortured me. Farlorn whom I met at the inn and his friends Gôdlem and Derrick. I don't know if these were their real names, but that's how they called each other. The early days were not so bad, they would often starve me and punch me instead of kicking me. They kept asking where you and the princess of Cintra were. I didn't tell them anything. I-I didn't know where you went after the mountain anyway. From their questions, I understand that you went to Cintra to find the princess, and you have no idea how proud I am of you for taking this decision.''

Despite the fear that surrounded his eyes and the cruel memories that trembled his body, it was heartbreaking that Jaskier could still think of him. He chased the bard out of his life with what he said on the mountain, throwing his heart and feelings which Jaskier offered him with open hands. Although it was easy to betray him when he was in the grip of his worn out feelings, Jaskier preferred to remain loyal to him. Geralt felt thousand needle stabbing his eyes. What did he really do to deserve this perfect man? The fact that Jaskier can still love him despite everything, that he bravely endured the pain and chose to protect him instead of telling them everything he knew about him...

Geralt, on the other hand, often humiliated him, either ignoring the questions he asked or avoiding them by giving one-on-one answers. Jaskier deserved so much more, while he always gave the least.

"Then their methods became heavy. " Jaskier said, continuing to explain where he left off. "At first I thought they were from Nilfgaard, but their armor didn't look like theirs. They were more like assassins, especially the dark veil that covered the faces of the other two, except for Farlorn. Their hidden appearance strengthened my theory. Every time I told them I didn't know where you were, they started to hurt me more and more. I was beginning to thank the days when they used only whip to hurt me. "

Geralt's body was petrified. If he'd been quick to search for Jaskier and a little more careful about the rumours around him, maybe he'd have had a chance. Jaskier was alone and in pain the whole time when he thought the bard was enjoying himself by the sea. Geralt couldn’t get over this information.

"I don't know how long I was in their hands, after a while the days started to mix. One day, they came to the cell with a sorcerer. The sorcerer tried to look into my mind, and I couldn't stop him, Geralt. He-he was very strong and I was... I was in so much pain. I-I couldn't think of anything but pain. And I think for the first time, the torture they did on me worked,’’

"Jaskier-‘’

"I was in so much pain that it was the only thing that went through my mind. That's why the sorcerer couldn't see my memories." Geralt began to feel the needles in his eyes more clearly, his vision was getting more and more blurry with each passing minute. "He told them that I was broken."

‘’No." Geralt said in a stern voice, rebelling against his words. The first tear that flowed down his cheek dripped down into Jaskier's brown hair, while he hugged the bard more tightly. He was sure he was crushing him, but he couldn't ease his grip. Not after the painful words he heard. "You're not broken Jaskier.’’

‘’But he was right. The assassins did not take the news well, I think they intended to sell the information they received or me to Nilfgaard. As if I wasn't miserable enough when they found out I was useless, Farlorn with all his hatred asked the sorcerer to blind me. You can imagine how important it is for a person to see, but for me... Geralt, _I'm a bard._ I write and feed my songs with what I see, and it's so hard for me not to see anything that's going on around me, _not to see you-‘’_

‘‘I'll be your eyes.’’

Jaskier's eyes grew large against the words that came out of his mouth.

_‘’What?’’_

‘‘I'll be your eyes." Geralt said, repeating his words. "Not like you of course, but I can describe to you what I have seen.’’

"In detail?’’

‘’In any way you want." Geralt nuzzled him by rubbing his nose on his cheek. He couldn't see the world the way Jaskier saw it, but if describing what was around him would make Jaskier a little happy and put a smile on his beautiful face, Geralt would be happy to do it. He'd do anything to give his songbird some relief.

Jaskier told the rest of his story. Knowing everything that had happened to him in an instant made his head dizzy and and whipped his desire for revenge.

"After I went blind, it was very difficult. I didn't know where I was going when they released me. All I did was keep moving. I thought I was going to die." Geralt growled against his words. "It was like I was in a dream all the time, everything was dark. I couldn't figure out when I was waking up or sleeping, as if everything had lost its meaning and pain... Gods, walking, even breathing hurted me. Maybe with the help of the gods, maybe Destiny, or maybe a bit of luck, a forest ranger found and took me to Helga. According to the ranger, I was lying unconscious on the path near the end of the woods. The poor man thought I was dead.’’ Jaskier chuckled dryly. ‘’You knew the rest of the story.’’

"Jaskier-‘‘

Jaskier's fingers found his lips, quietly silencing him.

"Don't say anything my lovely wolf. Just... Just hug me. I need to feel you are here right now.

Geralt, of course could not refuse this request. After holding Jaskier in his arms for a while, he left the bard on the bed to deal with the cut on his hand. As he knelt in front of him to treat his wound with some water and bandage, Jaskier put his other hand on top of his.

"Geralt?’’

‘‘Hmm.’’

‘’Thank you.’’

Geralt left a kiss on his hand.

"Of Course, Jaskier. Always.’’

*

As he predicted, Jaskier loved the mare.

When Jaskier stroked the horse's nose with childish excitement and asked him to describe what the horse looked like, Geralt just said, ‘‘White.’’. Then, when he realized how plain and simple his answer sounded, he tried to add more description. "Actually, she's not entirely white. Some parts, especially the legs, are soft gray. Her mane is long and has a lighter gray than her legs, the tip of her nose is pink. And her eyes are blue, just like yours." He had to clear his throat when he said the last part. But the smile on Jaskier's face was priceless. ‘’She's a beauty!" he sang and called the mare _‘Storm The Beautiful Wrecker’_ without a second thought.

Geralt had tied her to his own horse by passing a rope through the mare's halter. In this way, it wouldn’t be too difficult for Jaskier to manage the horse, and Geralt could easily intervene when necessary. As he predicted, Storm The Beautiful Wrecker – _or Storm for short_ — and Jaskier had become a harmonious duo, as if the mare knew about Jaskier's disability and acted accordingly.

Most of the time, instead of jumping over high objects, she wandered around, taking slow and calm steps, taking care not to shake Jaskier on stony roads. At the time of the break, Jaskier was so interested in his mare that both Roach and Geralt were a little jealous of his new interest.

The bard's happiness was infectious, seeing the smile on his face grow a little more every day, closing the gap in Geralt's chest. Since they were still in autumn and the weather was still warm, it was easy for them to reach Kaer Morhen. When they passed through the gate of the keep, they were greeted by Vesemir at the entrance. It was too early for his brothers or Yennefer to come to the keep as they agreed. He didn't think any of them would come to the keep before the winter arrived.

‘‘Geralt!" Vesemir approached them and glanced at him and Jaskier. "You're early this year.’’

As Geralt got off his horse, he clenched the shoulder of the man closest to the father figure for him and pointed at Jaskier, who was approaching softly behind him. Vesemir instantly nodded, noticing the bard's unfocused gray eyes.

"You remember my bard, Jaskier.’’

"Of course. How can I forget, you talk about him all the time.’’

Geralt felt his cheeks tingle, while a slight chuckle rose from Jaskier.

"Vesemir, meet my bard Jaskier. Jaskier, meet-‘’

‘’I know who you are." Jaskier passed him playfully by pushing him with his elbow, and extended his hand for Vesemir to shake. "It is a great honor to meet you, sir.’’

Vesemir snorted.

"Just say Vesemir, son. Are you both hungry? There's freshly cooked broth, cheese and bread at the kitchen.’’

"Geralt?’’

"Go with Vesemir, I will come to your side after I have placed the horses and our belongings.’’

When Jaskier left to go to the kitchen with Vesemir, Geralt quickly placed the two mares in the stable and removed the items above them to his room. He didn't think Jaskier would spend the winter anywhere else besides him. Even if it was the opposite -Geralt didn't like the idea very much- the keep was huge, he could easily arrange a new one for him.

When he arrived in the kitchen, he found the bard sitting on one of the benches around the table. As he excitedly told Vesemir about something, there was a genuine smile that rarely appeared on the old wolf's face. Jaskier giggled as Vesemir shuffled the bard's hair as if he couldn't stop himself, leaving the broth in front of Jaskier. The image made Geralt's heart warm. Vesemir was always strict with himself, but he tried to be as fatherly to them as he could. During the dark periods when he was trained with his brothers to become witchers, Vesemir was always different from his other teachers, bringing a little light for them to cling onto. Even now, he could see the crumbs of compassion lying in the old wolf's amber eyes.

‘’Geralt!" As soon as Jaskier heard his steps, he turned his head towards him. "You didn't say there were hot springs here! How can you hide this sacred knowledge from me?’’

Geralt chuckled loudly and reached out to kiss his bard on the forehead. It was the first time he had shown his love so openly in front of Vesemir, but he was neither ashamed nor felt the need to hide it. As far as he could see from Vesemir’s eyes, his mentor was also proud of him for being able to clearly show his feelings.

"I can show you after dinner, if you want.’’

"Oh you better show me, my dear witcher.’’

And that's how the days passed.

Geralt trained with Vesemir every morning, and spent the remaining time repairing different parts of the keep until the evening. Jaskier on the other hand, sometimes cooks with Vesemir, sometimes takes care of horses, and sometimes spends the day in his rooms with his lute. Jaskier was more interested in his music than before, and Geralt was happy to see this development. Music was quite important to Jaskier's profession, and seeing that he could now embrace his music again, compose something new, was perhaps the greatest development that the bard had made.

Sharing a room with Jaskier was also a new experience for Geralt. They did everything together during the Path, _but this_ , this was completely different. He didn't even let Yennefer in his room, and now sharing his room with Jaskier felt very personal and special. The bard's scent was everywhere. On his things, on his clothes, on his bed... _Everywhere_.

Knowing that Jaskier was in his arms, completely safe and sound _in his bed_ and falling asleep conscious of it every night was completely different. He finally knew that his bard was safe and trully happy. His scent was as warm as daylight, protecting Geralt as a shield against the air that had begun to cool, and warming him up.

He was aware of Vesemir's fondness towards Jaskier. His mentor, who normally always gave strict advice about walking the Path alone, supported him with his decision for the first time.

_"I can see how good he is to you, son. As long as you're happy, there's not much left me to say.’’_

Geralt then opened his gnawing thoughts to Vesemir. His mentor didn’t break his silence as Geralt spoke of Jaskier's torture, how he was blind and his remorse for finding him late. When he finally finished the story, Vesemir stood up from where he was sitting and placed both hands on his shoulders and shook him.

_"Do you know how diamonds are formed, Geralt?’’_

Geralt looked at his mentor, only frowning at the unexpected question, while Vesemir continued to speak in the same calm tone.

_"The diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure. That boy, despite everything he's been through, has managed to hold on to life, and he doesn't need you to feel sorry for him. Instead of looking back and saying, ‘I wish I had done this,’ look at what happened in front of you, look at the path Jaskier has taken. In face of everything, you managed to find him, and that's what matters. I can see how good you both are to each other, and it's a very sacred thing Geralt. Don't get stuck in the past and waste it, let your thoughts remain thoughts. What Jaskier needs most right now is you. Be at his side.’’_

_’‘What about this guilt I feel Vesemir? So hard to ignore.’’_

_"You won't ignore it son, you'll learn to live with it. Time and love are the cure for everything. Give yourself a break to digest everything. It's your journey as much as Jaskier's, if it could be so easy to heal, everyone would live in prosperity.’’_

When Geralt arrived at his room, thinking about his conversation with Vesemir, he walked through the not fully closed door and was confronted by a half naked Jaskier. The bard had wet hair and glowing skin, showing that he had just come out of hot springs. His top was completely naked, so Geralt could easily see the scars covering his pale skin.

His jaw clenched, he knew that despite all the pain Jaskier had endured, the fact that he was now in front of him showed how strong he was, but what about the _pain_ he suffered? If he had managed to push the bard away from him in the first place, none of this would have happened. No one would identify Jaskier as the White Wolf’s bard, he would know only happiness, pleasure and joy as he entertained the rich far from here, among the safe walls of any court he was invited to.

But on the other hand, Geralt would never have known Jaskier, and he could no longer remember the times he spent without the bard. All he knew was loneliness. Geralt was a selfish man, and he couldn’t give up Jaskier at that time, because he had tasted and loved the light, easy smiles, laughter and happiness that the bard brought to his life. He could never give up now.

‘’You're going to be sick.’’

As he suddenly heard his voice, Jaskier leapt on the spot with a squeak that was far from manly, putting his hand on his heart.

‘‘Geralt! Don't scare me like that, I didn't hear you come in.’’

Feeling little guilty, he petted the wet, chestnut colored hair. His hair had grown even more longer through their trip, now it was past his neck and started to curl towards his chest. This new hairstyle looked pretty good on him he thought, it was so soft to touch and silky and shinny.

As Jaskier turned his head towards his hand and kissed the inside of his palm, Geralt's whole body filled with sweet heat.

"Actually, I was just about to call you. As you can see, my beard started to grow,’’ he said, showing his short beard that had begun to grow by patting his chin."Can you help me shave? I don't want to accidentally cut myself.’’

‘’Sit down on the bed.’’

When Jaskier obeyed him and made his way to the bed, Geralt collected the necessary supplies and went back to his bard, then sat on the end of the bed, turning Jaskier’s chin with one hand to face him. Jaskier picked up the his wordless message easily and raised his neck a little bit to presented it to him. Geralt's breath hitched at the sight.

It was dizzying to have that kind of trust, a one wrong movement of his hand could scar Jaskier's pale complexion. But his bard had no indication that he was afraid of it, on the contrary, Jaskier was peaceful enough to fall asleep, as if Geralt was not standing at the bottom of his throat with a sharp razor in his hand.

Geralt slowly and carefully, started first from Jaskier's pale, blemish free creamy neck. As his hand went towards his jaw without skipping any area, he had just noticed how thin Jaskier’s skin actually looked. He could choose the blue-green veins under the transcluent skin, and although he had also a pale skin, Jaskier's skin was different from his. It was richer, smooth, and creating a need for touch just seeing it.

Geralt cleared the edges of Jaskier's jaw, which had strong contours but also carried a childish image, the smooth skin that appeared after the razor was mouth watering. He didn't know how Jaskier managed to stay young after all these years, his skin still looking flawless and youthful. Most women would even commit murder to have the bard's skin.

When he got to the corners of his mouth, he tried to be extra careful and not look too much at the Jaskier's pink lips. But it was a little impossible. Jaskier's mouth wasn’t big, it was almost small actually and when he wasn't smiling, his lips carried a pouty curl. But the pink they had was remarkable, it was a pretty vivid color compared to the pale of his skin. Geralt felt his mouth watered, because he now remembered the taste, he wanted to kiss the bard at every opportunity, to claim his wet mouth with his tongue.

When he finished shaving, he wiped off the now beard free skin with a towel, and unable to stop himself, kissed Jaskier. A happy mewl rose from the bard, pulling him to himself by wrapping his arms around his neck. Geralt happily obliged and toppled over his bard. Jaskier's lips tasted exactly the same as the mineral carried by the hot springs, sun and happiness.

Jaskier was willing, but his movements were lazy, almost slow. His lips were like rose petals, soft and smooth like a fine velvet, but his teeth were thorns that made by fire. The way he tugged or bit his lip with his teeth, as if to tease him with a playful attitude, provoked Geralt. He let Jaskier to play with him for a while, but as soon as he felt his tongue, he lost his control and kissed him with a deep growl like his only purpose in this world was to take Jaskier's breath away.

Jaskier held onto him tightly, making a soft moaning sound. Although the bard had superior abilities in the art of seduction, the fact that he was now unable to do anything more than keep up with him had given Geralt a strange pride.

When Jaskier’s fingers went down a little and found his pants, Geralt retreated. Jaskier's cheeks were in the pink color he so loved, his lips were red and slightly swollen, his skin shone with a light that couldn’t belong to this world, while his image was beautiful enough to rip out Geralt's heart.

‘‘Are you sure?’’ He whispered, stroking his bard's soft cheek.

"I feel good Geralt. More than I've felt in a long time. I want this.’’ His left hand joined the other and started playing on the buttons. "I want to feel you closer. It feels great to kiss you but I want more now, my dear witcher.’’

‘‘If you feel uncomfortable-'‘

"Geralt, my sweet, stupid, beautiful witcher, I know what I want. It's you." A teasing but also loving smile appeared on Jaskier's face. "Won't you give me what I want?’’

"Damn brat.’’

Although Geralt knew he couldn’t see it, he responded to him with a smile and just kissed him for a while, allowing Jaskier to dominate the kiss. As Jaskier's breath began to thin, careful not crush him with his weight, Geralt slightly straigtened above him and he quickly saved them from their clothes, leaving them only in their small clothes.

He didn't want this night to be just a pleasure. Jaskier wasn’t a simple prostitute he paid to enjoy, _no_ , he loved this man with a wild, searing love with every cell that made him exist. If one day there was enough oxygen left for only one person to take, Geralt would give it to Jaskier without thinking. He had never loved anyone like this before, he thought he had once loved Yennefer, but now he understood with all his self what love actually was. He had never made a connection with anyone like he had made with Jaskier. This bond had a power that was not based on any magic, it was impossible to break, it was consisted of unselfish love, there was no benefit or expectation in it.

Geralt first kissed the bard's neck. No sucking or biting, he was just kissing the tender skin lightly, enjoying the thin sweat that kept his lips moisturized. He then began to descend down, down until he found the kitten like hair on his bard chest. He inhaled the sweet essence and growled softly as his bard whimpered sweetly and almost shyly under him.

Geralt reached his pink nipples, fondled them a bit with his finders. They were small, hard but also soft and he was _hungry_. He first took the right bud in his mouth. He crushed the tiny bud between his lips before biting and sucking it until Jaskier gasped out sweet moans. Then he bit him enough to hurt him a little, but he never really hurt enough to cause Jaskier to withdraw from him.

He wanted the night to be away from the pain that often went well with sex and pleasure. Maybe another time but not tonight.

After giving the same treatment to the left one, he went a little lower and touched the bones of his bard’s rib cage with his fingers. Jaskier had gained enough weight to appear less bony since they arrived here, and Vesemir had been constantly buying honey since he discovered Jaskier's fondness for dessert. The sharpness of his body had almost completely disappeared, and a soft layer of fat had formed covering his bones.

After Geralt kissed every dip and protrusion he could reach and touch, he went down to touch his small clothes. When he finally reached his treasure, he quietly threw it into a corner of the room, removing it as well. Jaskier's manhood, like everywhere else, was breathtaking. It wasn’t large, it was normal in size and its thickness was ideal for a person. Its color was exactly the same as the bard's lips, and it was proudly up for more attention. He never thought he'd call a cock beautiful before, but he didn't think he could find a better word to describe Jaskier’s cock.

Geralt grasped his manhood with one hand. Jaskier felt warm and strong between his fingers. Okay maybe Jaskier’s was a little above the standard, but his fingers were holding him tight and he could barely see the tip. He was hard and incredibly hot. It was like the sun had come to life between his legs. _And these were all his._

A broken moan rose from the bard as Geralt put him in his mouth, wondering what he tastes like.

"Geralt.’’

‘‘Hmm." When Geralt answered without opening his mouth, Jaskier threw his head back, moaning again under the vibrations. Geralt took no rush as he tasted him and watched Jaskier unravel as if he had all the time in the world. He tried to engrave this image of his bard in his memory so he would never forget. He never wanted to forget his skin, which turned pink and shone with now a thick layer of sweat, his erect nipples, his stretched stomach, his addictive sweet moans and tremors. Although his hands tried to push him away by pulling his hair, Geralt didn’t obey. He listened to his name come out of the bard's pink lips with a broken, slightly loud scream.

Jaskier tasted a combination of salt and sweet. Geralt didn’t want to miss any drops, so he swallowed all of it and enjoyed the taste left behind on his palate. He didn't think he'd like it, but the taste of the essence of the man he loved was beyond prediction, and it was like it had strengthened the bond between them a little more.

"Don't tell me you swallowed it." Jaskier swore when Geralt answered in a hoarse _hmm_ instead of answering with actual words. _‘’I can't believe you.’’_

‘‘I liked it." With his head bowed, he looked at the sides of Jaskier's groin and whispered towards his skin before beginning to suck on the meaty parts. "I love everything about you.’’ When he sucked his left side without giving Jaskier a chance to respond, the bard moaned and raised his leg more to give him an easier access. Geralt inhaled the fine hair that dusted his legs and groin, kissing, licking and marking each area with his teeth, showing the respect and attention that should be shown to both legs.

‘‘I love your legs." He said, expressing the obvious truth that stands in the middle. He had stopped filtering and hiding his words some time ago, now he could see no reason to do otherwise.

‘‘They're weak.’’

 _‘’They're strong."_ Geralt corrected him sharply, turned his body and ran his hands around his calves. "They made you accompany me all over the Continent. Don't despise them.’’

"They're just _legs_ , Geralt.’’

"They're _my_ legs now and I want to make sure they get enough attention.’’

"You're pretty talkative today.’’

When Jaskier hid his face from him by burying it on the pillow, Geralt leaned over him and took his earlobe between his teeth.

"I want to show you how I feel.’’

His lips followed his spine as his attention turned to his back, looked at the scars covering the area there, and felt that familiar pain in his heart. Before his lips, his fingers hovered over the wounds, most were paler than Jaskier's skin, some of them deep and some of them small and unnoticeable.

‘’You're strong." He kissed one of the biggest scars standing right in the middle of his back. "You're so strong, Jaskier.’’

Jaskier muttered something, but because he buried his face on the pillow, Geralt couldn't understand exactly what he was saying. After taking care of all his scars, he stopped and looked when he reached his hips, the only place on his body he didn't touch. Jaskier's hips were small but rounded and had a fullness that encouraged him to touch and Geralt was _dying_ at this point. He grabbed the round cheeks and knead them until they turned pink like everywhere else on Jaskier’s body, then opened them to see the hidden treasure.

Jaskier's hole was pink, dusted with thin hair and closed. Geralt licked his lips hungrily and when he struck the first blow with his tongue, immediately Jaskier’s back stretched and despite the pillow he heard his name come out of his lips. With half a smile, he blew his hot breath towards the tight furl and not wanting to waste any more time, he closed his mouth on it. At first he just licked it, sure it tasted the same as Jaskier’s skin but it was also more sweet, more hot and more _Jaskier_. It was like he was reaching the deepest parts of his bard’s. He began to snarl and suck on the pink hole, stuck his tongue in as the hole began to loosen under his stubbornness.

_‘‘Geralt!’’_

When Jaskier's hand found his hair again, this time he used it not to push him, but rather to pull him to himself. Geralt obeyed his request with a happy growl, stuck his tongue in as much as he could, and took care of Jaskier's hole until his saliva flowed down his chin, as if he were tasting a feast. Jaskier moaned incessantly, his hand was turned into a fist between his hair, and he took the other one between his teeth to shut himself up. As soon as Geralt realized this, he retreated and grabbed him by the wrist.

‘’No. I want to hear your voice.’’

"Fuck." Jaskier took a deep breath, turning his face to the side. "If you keep this up, I'll come again. I don't want to have a second orgasm without feeling you inside me.’’

"I can arrange something for that.’’

After kissing his sweat soaked forehead, he turned over Jaskier again. The bard's cheeks had turned crimson like apples, his long hair now wet from sweat and stuck to his forehead. Geralt got up quickly and took the lubricant from the drawer, then returned to his bard and set between his legs.

He placed his now slick index finger at the entrance of his loosened hole and without any diffuculty, his finger went in all the way to his last joint. They both swore at the same time. Jaskier was hot and very tight, it definitely took more than two fingers for him to put in.

He felt a vague resistance when his second finger joined the other, trying to relax the walls of the bard by making scissoring movements, and in doing so he did not neglect to kiss his crotch. After a while, when he was able to put both fingers in him easily, he added the third one and again met the same resistance.

"Relax, Jas.’’

‘‘I'm trying." Jaskier said in a defeated voice. "But even though it's not the first time I've done it, I feel like it's my first time, and it scares me.’’

‘’There is nothing to fear. I got you.’’

Although his own cock was hardened enough to cause him pain, Geralt didn’t separate his attention from Jaskier. _It wasn’t about you tonight_ , he said it to himself. When all three of his fingers were buried deep inside of Jaskier without any resistance, the bard held his breath.

"Gods... Even your fingers are thick.’’

Geralt chuckled.

‘‘Are you ready for more?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

Geralt took off his small clothes and covered his cock with a generous amount of lubricant.

‘’Don't forget to breathe." He said, reminding Jaskier. He then placed his cock at the entrance of his hole, which was completely loosened and took the shape of a small o. Geralt was quite slow about putting in Jaskier, his manhood almost twice as thick and longer than Jaskier's, he knew that it wasn’t quite easy to take it. Other than Yen, few prostitutes were adventurous and tried to take him but generally, they were afraid of his brutal shape and only gave him blowjob because they didn’t want to get hurt.

Jaskier's face shadowed with pain as Geralt managed to get half of his cock inside of him, a weak whimper poured out of his bard’s lips. Geralt stopped moving instantly.

‘‘Does it hurt?’’

‘’A little.’’

Jaskier frowned when Geralt came out of him with the same caution.

‘‘No, what are you doing? Get in me.’’

"If I continue, it will only hurt and I will cause you more pain.’’

"But I want you inside me, Geralt. _Please...’’_

‘’It will happen.’’

The bard held his breath as Geralt poured more lubricant on his smallest finger, carefully inserting it in his hole.

"Breathe Jaskier, and push.’’

‘’I'm not giving birth.’’

Geralt lightly smacked his leg.

"Do as I say, bard.’’

When Jaskier did what he said, his smallest finger went up to the root and joined the others. Geralt covered the now expanding hole with his lips, he coudn’t taste Jaskier clearly now due to the lubricant, but it didn't matter, his primary goal was to make him relax. When he put his tongue on top of his fingers, Jaskier made a muffled moan as if he had been punched.

"Geralt— _fuck_ , stop! Or I'll cum, _oh my gods_ —you have to stop.’’

Geralt didn't listen, he knew that his muscles would relax even more if he came, so he continued to move his tongue and fingers, watching Jaskier's rising rib cage and his rapid breathing. Gods, his image was so erotic... Geralt couldn't help himself as he grasped his own cock and synchronised his pleasure with Jaskier’s. With less than five minutes to go, Jaskier came with a cut-out moan, while it was not too hard for Geralt to follow him.

When both of their cum scattered around, Geralt took a deep breath from the heavily scented air. The room smelled like mixture of sex, happiness and _them_. The scent made Geralt even more dizzy, his cock was still hard and willing, and Jaskier's cock was no less different than him.

"Fuck, ahh, I guess... I guess I am ready now." Jaskier said out of breath. With a laugh, Geralt placed his cock to Jaskier’s relaxed entrance."Make me yours, witcher.’’

‘’You are always mine bardling.’’

Immediately after his words, as he placed his cock all the way to the root, Jaskier's body stretched like a bow and his eyes were wet with tears.

"Breathe, Jas. Yes, just like that, breathe. Everything is fine. I got you.’’

‘’You're too big. Fuck, ah, _Geralt_ — Why are you so big?‘’

Jaskier clung to his shoulders and breathed deeply as Geralt stood still so Jaskier could adapt to shape of him. He had to put out all his will to do it. Jaskier's heat was immense, and despite two orgasms, four fingers and a tongue, he was still tight enough to rip out his soul.

"You can move but not fast, please.’’

Geralt pushed the wet hair from his forehead and kissed him.

‘‘Of course, whatever you want.’’

Geralt kept a slow rhythm. As he calmly went in and out of Jaskier, like a boat swaying in the sea, he was horrified to see that the bard's eyes were full of tears, and a moment later tears began to fall from his eyes. He knew it hadn't hurt, his scent hadn't changed since he entered him. Still, he couldn't be sure, and when he tried to get out of him so as not to hurt his bard any more, Jaskier shook his head as if he had sensed what was going on in his head.

"It doesn't hurt, I swear. Just... I've just dreamed of this moment so much that if you knew the number, you'd call me a pervert.’’ As tears flowed from his eyes, Jaskier covered them with his arm. "Being unable to see you now... Oh, fuck, I didn't want to cry. I screwed up the whole moment, didn't I?’’

"Jaskier," Geralt kissed the flowing tears as he pulled his arm from his eyes. "I told you I'd be your eyes. Ask me what I see now, come on.’’

Jaskier sniffed first then asked in a small, childish voice.

‘‘What do you see?’’

‘’A bard.’’

‘’How creative.’’

"His wet hair is scattered on the pillow, his cheeks are red like apples and shiny, there are so many marks on his skin that it's hard to tell where it begins and where it ends.’’

Jaskier's breath hitched.

‘‘And the witcher?’’

"Naked as a newborn baby except for his medallion. His hair is open, and probably messy, beacuse the bard has put his hands through it many times. His body is sweaty, like a pig-‘‘

Jaskier made a grunt similar to a giggle.

"I'm sure he looks breathtaking.’’

"The witcher's eyes are on his bard, and does not leave from him even a moment. He's the most perfect image the witcher has ever seen." Jaskier blushed even more as if it were possible. Geralt laughed and took one of his hand, placed it on top of the bard’s flat stomach and pressed it gently. "Here, you can feel me here.’’

Jaskier's eyes rolled back as Geralt moved to emphasize his words.

"This-this, _shit_. Geralt I can _feel_ you. It's different than having you inside me, gods...’’

Jaskier found his neck with his other hand, and when he lured him into a deep kiss that would last for hours, Geralt began to move, maintaining his deep but same slow rhythm. His balls touched Jaskier's ass, his tight heat was so good that Geralt almost pulled back no more than few inches then re-entered him, not wanting to be out of him more than that.

Jaskier had completely surrendered to him, accepting his assault, toes curling and back arching to meet his gentle but also deep thrusts. His bard's mouth was constantly drawing a triangle between his lips, chin and neck, like he had become addicted to him.

Geralt couldn't remember the last time he felt this good. He's never experienced anything like this.

He had only the taste of Jaskier on his lips, the breath he drew was Jaskier's breath, and only thing came out of Jaskier’s mouth was his name.

He'd forgotten everything else.

Once he touched the golden spot that would allow Jaskier to clench down brutally, Jaskier came in a voice between moaning and screaming. As his whole body contracted and loosened with the shock of the orgasm, Geralt snarled and it didn't take long for him to follow Jaskier.

When he managed to gather his breath, he gently came out of Jaskier's body. Jaskier pitifully moaned at the loss, tried to keep him inside. His cock twitched at that, but before he drag the bard to another orgasm, he found one of the cloth he threw on the floor to wipe his body. When he sat down on the bed to wipe the Jaskiers body after wiping himself, he saw that Jaskier's eyes had already been closed.

"Jaskier?’’ He stroked his cheek with his hand then his hair. ‘’Are you okay? How do you feel?’’

‘’Uh, good.’’

He couldn't close his mouth, as if it took all his strength to say the word. Geralt smiled at his adorable image, trying to wipe his body as much as he could. Then a sweet sigh rose from the bard as he placed them both under the covers, and hugged Jaskier from behind.

"Geralt?’’

‘‘Hmm.’’ Geralt said, placing his chin at the top of his head. Jaskier turned towards him with a faint laugh and hid his head and whispered three words that made his heart stutter.

‘’I love you.’’

Geralt held him tighter.

‘’I love you too, Jas.’’

And right after his words, Jaskier fell asleep.

*

He should have known that everything wouldn’t go so well.

Exactly a week after the first snowflake fell from the sky, Eskel appeared at the entrance of the keep. Two weeks after that, Lambert also joined them. For the first time in years, the keep was so cheerful, even Vesemir's face became more smiling than sulking, and this was a frankly terrifying development.

Jaskier, on the other hand, was quite happy to be the center of attention of everyone. No one had said anything about his disability, and Geralt was grateful for it, although Jaskier could express his blindness himself, he could smell the sharp sadness and anxiety that rose from the bard when others hit him in the face.

Vesemir had only spoken about it once before Geralt had even had the opportunity to intervene, and after seeing Jaskier's reaction, his mentor never mentioned it again. Talking about his blindness didn't just upset Jaskier, it hurt him. In addition to being able to smell that pungent smell- a reminder of the pain he suffered when he was tortured- Geralt could tell from Jaskier's strained body that his anxiety was waiting to attack.

Since the unfortunate incident with Vesemir, his mentor had begun to teach Jaskier how to better adapt to his surroundings, rather than talk about the subject. Although Geralt tried to approach the bard as if he were not a fragile glass, he always had a side that was afraid of hurting Jaskier. Vesemir was the opposite of him, when he was training the bard, he once again understood why Vesemir was their teacher and mentor. Vesemir was aware of Jaskier's limits, the bard had never held a sword in his life or had his body changed to adapt to harsh and unexpected conditions.

Vesemir was stricter than Geralt when he trained the bard, but he never pushed the conditions. It was amazing to see how Jaskier could move around a little more comfortably every day and walk without hitting places or someone guiding him for it. During their travel, Geralt tried to help Jaskier as much as he could to cope with his blindness, but somewhere inside, he always felt that he wasn't enough.

Vesemir was very professional, when he trained them, he covered their eyes, covered their ears, sometimes even tied their hands, teaching them to defend themselves in all circumstances. Jaskier was like a sponge, and he sucked everything that Vesemir told him like he had been thrown into the sea and instantly went into practice. Perhaps he was learning to use his other senses faster than anyone Vesemir had ever trained, and this was evident from the proud expression that appeared on his mentor's face as he watched the bard.

This feeling he felt... It wasn't jealousy. There was no reason for him to be jealous, rather than that his bard had finally found the help he was looking for. Then why did he start to feel this way lately? The gap in his chest had closed, but now it had been replaced by a pain that burned the exact place where his heart was. It was a pain that he felt every time he saw that Jaskier was happy with others. He felt... He felt like he wasn't enough. He couldn't provide Jaskier with what he needed, and now it hurt Geralt to see the others provide it to him.

Jaskier had nightmares several times, and Geralt couldn’t be there to wake the bard, as he struggled to fix a different part of the keep each time, but Eskel instead ran to his bard's aid. When Geralt realized what was going on, he found Jaskier away from tears, a small smile on his face and chatting with Eskel with a hot tea in his hand. However, his way of calming the bard was always longer and more painful. Now witnessing his brother do it so easily and quickly was like taking an unexpected punch to the stomach. Eskel had always been good with words, and most of the time his presence was comforting rather than scaring, it was not so difficult to understand how he could easily calm Jaskier down.

And then there was Lambert. It was Lambert who made Jaskier smile the most, and it was Lambert who made him forget that he was blind. When Jaskier was next to the youngest witcher, the smile on his face was never missing, and Geralt felt like shit because he couldn't provide it that too. All he wanted was to retreat to one of the forgotten corners of the keep and spend his remaining days there until the winter was over.

He felt tired and defeated. It was his fault from the start that Jaskier was blind, constantly bringing pain and disappointment to the bard rather than bringing him happiness. And when they stayed at the inn in Kaedwen before coming here, he again screwed everything up, leaving the bard alone with his memories, causing him to have a panic attack.

Though everything seemed to be fine now, he could lose the bard forever at his next mistake, and he was so afraid of it that he felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't let that happen. Jaskier... Jaskier was happier and more peaceful here than ever. During his stay here and after, he knew that his family would take care of him. Jaskier deserved better. For years, he always blamed Jaskier for being a magnet for trouble, but _he_ was the magnet.

Because he constantly mocked Destiny, his ass never got rid of shit, and he didn't want to take Jaskier down with him anymore. He'd already lost his sight because of him, so what's next? His life? Geralt took a sharp breath. He would never let that happen.

His only hope was to break Jaskier's curse and give his sight back to him. Maybe then this weight in his chest would lift, and Jaskier would continue to keep him in his life, believing that he was _enough_.

"Hey, isn't that your witch?" The thoughts that shook in his mind like a storm fell silent with Lambert's voice. When he turned his eyes to where Lambert was pointing, he saw Yennefer and Ciri entering through the gates of the keep.

Geralt didn’t understand how he stood up, a strange drunkenness had fallen over him like he had just finished barrels of ale in an instant. A moment later, he almost slipped and fell as he quickly went down the stairs, but he didn't care, and when he reached Yennefer within seconds, the sorceress’s magenta eyes grew large with surprise.

‘’Geralt! I didn't think you'd be so happy to see us.’’

‘’Come with me.’’

He grabbed her by the wrist without letting Yennefer say anything else and dragged her after him, ignoring her objections and what was said. This is the moment he's been waiting for for months. He couldn't spend another second, he could prove himself to Jaskier. If he could prove himself enough, maybe this terrible pain in his heart would disappear too.

He heard Jaskier’s laughter before him. His cheerful voice throbbed in Geralt's ears, while his chest clenched in pain and he felt his eyes burn. Taking a deep breath, he straightened his shoulders. He had to stand strong, Yennefer was one of the most powerful sorceress on the Continent, she had the solution to Jaskier's curse, he knew it.

When he entered the room, he found Jaskier sitting side by side with Eskel. The bard was singing something similar to a song with lute in his hand, while Eskel was laughing, watching the bard with a soft smile on his face. The smile on his brother's face froze when he realized they were coming. Geralt couldn't predict why, perhaps because he didn't expect Yennefer to arrive sooner than expected. But his brother's eyes were not on the sorceress but on him. His gaze was stuck on his face as if he had seen him for the first time.

"Geralt," When Eskel got up from his seat, Jaskier stopped playing his lute, causing a tense silence to fall. Geralt pulled Yennefer forward to face the bard.

"As you can clearly see, Jaskier is blind." Geralt said, his voice was cold and too harsh in a way he couldn't understand. He also had a big knot in his throat that made the words sound muffled. "Three assassins tortured him, probably intending to sell information to Nilfgaard.’’

_‘‘Geralt!’’_

‘‘They tried all kinds of shit on him, but despite everything, Jaskier refused to talk about Ciri or me." Ignoring Eskel’s warning or Jaskier's frozen body, he continued to speak. He couldn't shut his mouth. "And when they concluded that he had no knowledge of me or Ciri, they asked a mage to curse his sight before releasing him. He's been like this for months.’’

"It looks like an old curse." Yennefer muttered and approached Jaskier. ‘‘I have never seen anything like this before.’’

"Can you lift the curse?’’

As soon as his question left his lips, Jaskier began to tremble. Eskel cursed, placing one hand on the bard's shoulder and trying to keep him calm, while his amber-colored eyes radiated fire.

‘’What the fuck do you think you're doing?!’’

 _"Yennefer."_ He suppressed Eskel’s voice with his and turned his gaze to the sorceress. In a few minutes, everything would be back to normal. He had to be patient just a little more. _A little more_. Everything would be back to normal when Jaskier got his sight back.

"Jaskier, can I touch you to understand the curse?’’

Yennefer's question quickened the bard's trembling. His lips were shaped to say the word ‘no’, so Geralt placed Yennefer's hand on the top of the bard's head without giving him a chance to say the word. Jaskier made a small whimper, and when he tried to take cover towards Eskel, Geralt felt his heart split in half.

‘‘Fix him.’’

_A little more._

_Just a little more._

And then everything would be like the old days.

"Geralt, you'll cause him to have a panic attack. Cut it out." Eskel said sternly. Yennefer also looked at his face with same kind of expression, but Geralt turned his gaze into Jaskier's gray eyes instead of looking at them both. "Lift the curse.’’

"Geralt, I'm sorry, but ... ‘’

_‘‘Just fucking do it!’’_

As he raised his voice, Jaskier leapt in place. Eskel tried to help the bard to continue breathing properly, while Yennefer's hand, which stood above Jaskier's head flashed brightly. Geralt watched without breathing. The pressure he felt on him was so great that his bones that held his lungs together almost broke. His eyes were burning and his vision was blurred, but it was still clear enough for him to see.

_A little more._

"I'm sorry, but this is a very old curse." Yennefer's said after a moment, opening space for Jaskier to breathe comfortably, while her purple eyes were fixed on the bard. "If I try to lift it, the curse can spread to his other sensory organs or leave permanent brain damage.’’

‘’You're lying." His voice had lost its power, turned into a small, hard to hear murmur. He didn't even think Yennefer had heard him, as the sorceress continued to explain the situation.

"It's too risky to tamper with because it's connected to his nervous system. Not being touched is a better option for Jaskier's health. I wish I could have done better, but unfortunately I can't Geralt. I'm so sorry, I wish there was another way.’’

‘‘Fix him.’’

"Geralt, you heard what Yennefer said.’’

"Lift the curse! I know you can do it, do it!" Geralt could not find the strength to fight any more against the desperation that suffocated him, and when his voice thinned and cracked towards the end, Yennefer stared at him with wide eyes. ‘’Fix him. _Please_. He deserves better than this.’’

"Geralt," an emotion appeared on Yennefer face which he couldn’ read. Pity, understanding, maybe both, and Geralt was about to be crushed under all the emotions he felt right now. He saw a big avalanche coming at him, but he couldn't escape. He was stuck, and for the gods' sake, _he was drowning_. "Geralt," Yennefer called out to him again in a soft voice, patting his arm as if comforting him. ‘‘This curse cannot be fixed.’’

Geralt stopped, and everything around him stopped with him. He didn't breathe, he didn't move, he just looked at Jaskier and saw his failure. He would never see his azure eyes again.

He failed him.

He couldn't imagine the disappointment Jaskier felt, he had done this to him. He blinded the bard.

"Geralt."

He came to his senses with Eskel's soft, too soft voice and because he couldn’t look at their face, he left. He got to his room so fast that he felt nauseous and dizzy. His throat seemed swollen, a big stone had settled in the middle, and he could neither swallow nor make any noise. The shame he felt was immense. It hurt so much that Jaskier would be blind forever because of him that he wanted his soul to leave his body. He couldn't handle this.

He was sickened by his own thoughts as he started to pack his belongings. How was Jaskier struggling with pain, when Geralt complained about the pain he was suffering? Knowing what it means to see, then losing his eyesight because of a non-grateful, spiteful witcher... Geralt dry heaved. He had to get out of here.

As his body moved independently from him, filling everything he had in the bag, he heard footsteps approaching the room. Even from the way they walked, he could tell who was coming, and it hurt him more than ever. He would never see Jaskier again, and his heart was dying, even though he knew that the decision he made was best for the bard.

‘’Geralt!’’

When Jaskier entered the room, Geralt managed to stuff his last outfit into his bag and closed its mouth and took it in his hand. Jaskier frowned, instantly hearing the familiar voice.

‘’What are you doing?’’

‘’I'm going.’’

‘’What? _Why?’’_

Geralt looked at the bard. He looked at his flushed cheeks and nose from crying. As much as he swore not to hurt him, he did it again. Geralt straightened his shoulders with determination. This time, he was going to make things different.

"All I do is hurt you, Jaskier. You’re blind because of me.’’

‘‘What the hell are you talking about?’’

‘‘I'm going."Geralt said in a determined voice. Even though every part of his body rebelled violently against his decision, Geralt knew that it was the right thing to do. Jaskier's health and happiness precede his, and as long as the bard was good, Geralt would be somehow good too, no matter how far away he was from him.

‘‘Who will be my eyes then if you go?’’

The question stuck in Geralt's heart like a knife.

"I'm the one who made you lose them in the first place." He said in an aggressive voice. He was drowning, and if he didn't get out of here as soon as possible— _he should have left. He had to go. Now. **Immediately**._ "You're blind because of me." The words came out of his lips as if he were spitting. "I have to go, I can't stay here.’’

"Geralt, how does my blindness have anything to do with you? Can you explain to me?’’

"Of course it has to do with me. You're known all over the Continent as my bard! If I could drive you away in the first place—‘’

"Geralt," as Jaskier approached him, Geralt took a wet breath and staggered backwards and to his horror, tears started to fell down his cheeks. "Oh Geralt, why are you doing this to yourself?’’

‘‘It is all my fault." Even though Jaskier could not see him, Geralt bowed his head with shame, frustration and pain. ‘’I thought I could fix this. Maybe-maybe if I could give you your sight, the pain would subside. And maybe I'd be enough for you.’’

‘’Be enough for me? Gods Geralt, are you torturing yourself with these thoughts all this time?’’ His gray eyes became large, as if he had noticed a new detail. "Is that why you've been away from me for days? I thought you were keeping your distance because I did something to piss you off.’’

‘’No!" Jaskier had already closed the distance between them when Geralt quickly raised his head to confront him. There was only a one step distance between them, he could feel the heat radiating from the bard, and it was very difficult to hold himself back, even though he wanted to touch him.

"I want you to answer me honestly now. How long have you been struggling with these thoughts?’’

Geralt didn't think to answer first. But when he thought of Jaskier's stubbornness, he also knew he couldn't get away with him without an answer.

‘’For a while.’’ he said in a low voice.

"Give me a clear answer, Geralt. A few days, a week, a month—‘’

"Since I found you again.’’

Jaskier’s eyes were opened wide and his face was strucked with so many emotions that Geralt couldn’t read.

‘‘I can't believe you! Why didn't you say anything? Oh Geralt, I can't believe you've been hurting yourself with these thoughts for months.’’

"Everything I think is real." Geralt grasped his bag more tightly. "Even when I try to help you, I hurt you. I—I'm not good for you, Jaskier.’’

"If you're talking about what just happened, I was afraid for a moment that Yennefer might read my mind, no lies, and I was terribly angry at you for thinking that you had damaged my trust. But then I heard your voice, and gods, I've never heard your voice sound so broken. Made come to myself." Jaskier, by chance, found the hand holding the bag and frowning, he placed his fingers on top of his fingers. "You're not responsible for what happened to me.’’

Geralt made a rude noise that made it clear that he didn’t agree with him.

"Listen to me, I chose to be with you of my own free will, no one forced me to be with you. I was aware of the dangers before this whole Child Surprise and Nilfgaard thing happened. You're a witcher, I know your life isn't easy, I'm not stupid. I chose to be with you, considering everything. It was my own will and it is still my own will." Jaskier said, again with the same emphasis. Then he pointed his eyes with his other hand. ‘’You are not the reason for this. I'm the one who connected myself to you, I wanted to be the bard of the White Wolf, and I'm proud of that. It's not your fault I lost my sight, Geralt. Don't torment yourself thinking otherwise, please. It hurts me too, to see you hurt. And feeling not enought? What the hell Geralt?’’

"You seemed happier and more peaceful around the others. And I thought—‘’

"Would Jaskier be better off if I left? Geralt, darling, when will you stop sacrificing yourself?" Jaskier take his face between his palms and kissed his lips. "Don't you realize how good you are to me? If you go, gods..." Jaskier pulled back and wiped away the tears that suddenly began to flow from his eyes with the back of his hand. "You're the one who made me come this far, Geralt. You saved me. When I was in that hut, I thought there would be no hope for me, that I deserved what happened to me because I was constantly causing you trouble.’’

The blood in his veins froze. Unable to overcome his urge to hug his bard, he hugged Jaskier tightly and pulled him towards himself and hid his head in the small area where Jaskier’s shoulder and neck meet. His lips then left a soft kiss on the exposed skin.

‘’Never. I never want you to think of yourself like that.’’

‘’I know that." Jaskier stroked his hair and kissed the side of his head. "Now I know the truth, and I want you to know it too. You're the one who got me up, Geralt. I can't stand you leaving me, you know? I can't live, after I know your touch, your taste, your love. I can't, I'm not that strong. I can't stand it. I need you. I'll _always_ need you.’’

Geralt kissed him deeply, swallowing the bard's words. Jaskier growled lowly just before responding to him.

‘’Don’t leave me Geralt.’’

‘’I don't want to hurt you.’’

‘’You don’t and you _won’t_."Jaskier's hands found his neck. Even though they are so close that even air cannot pass between them, Jaskier somehow managed to pull them even more closer and dipped his tongue in his mouth. Geralt's whole body trembled with relief, joy and love.

He tried to make up for every moment he couldn't apologize as he kissed his bard. Jaskier’s words silenced his thoughts but the pain was still there, it was dull and bearable but _there_.

He couldn't return his sight to him, and this immense guilt he felt was destroying him. Jaskier, feeling the internal conflict he had experienced as usual, muttered his name in a loving voice.

"Geralt, darling, I want to take care of you tonight. Would you allow me to?’’

"Jaskier-‘’

Jaskier covered his lips with his fingers.

‘’Please.’’

"Of course, whatever you want.’’

Jaskier kissed the corner of his mouth with one of his sweetest smiles.

‘’Thank you, my love.’’

Jaskier took the bag from his hand and put it aside, then he held his hand and pulled him towards the bed. Geralt lay quietly on the bed, they were both moving without talking. The only sound he heard other than their breathing was the howling wind outside, hitting the window and rustling the tree branches. In the end, it was Jaskier who broke the silence. The bard sat right in the middle of his waist and placed his hands on his shoulders.

"I just want you to focus on me, don't think about anything else.’’ He placed his hands around his neck, then began to open his shirt softly, easily finding the first buttons of his outfit. "Just you and me dear heart, forget everything else.’’

The orange light from the fireplace, the howling wind, Jaskier's heart beating with a calm, steady rhythm... They all began to chase the restlessness in Geralt's heart and calm him down. He was safe here. Jaskier was also safe with him... _Right?_

As Jaskier's long, clever fingers opened the buttons, exposing his chest to warm air, his hands followed the hair on his stomach, moving all the way to the middle of his chest. Then his right hand stood on one of his biggest scar, which stood diagonally on his left chest.

"I remember this, it happened on a contract that you agreed to destroy a griffin nest. But it wasn't a mere griffin, it was a wyvern. That damn monster hurt you pretty bad.’’

Jaskier reached out and kissed the top of his wound and touched the three deep scars with his other hand that lay above his right chest.

"I also remember these, there were three werewolves surrounding you. They were wild, hairy and smelled worse than a wet dog.’’ When Jaskier's nose wrinkled with disgust, Geralt wanted to reach out and kiss the silly expression on his face. "One of them caught you off guard, the bastard's claws were pretty sharp. The bleeding didn't stop.’’

As Jaskier kissed the scars on his chest and went down a little further to mouth at his rib cage, he began to tell the story of all of his injuries, accidents and scars as well and kissed and caressed each of them at the end. He didn't miss any of them, he made sure that each of his scars received the same attention and compassion.

His eyes filled eyes with tears, and his heart became so small that Geralt thought for a moment that he would die. His skin was thin and tense, as if he couldn't fit into his body at the moment. His poor heart was beating so violently that he almost became deaf from the noise, and his eyes were watery, and his throat felt blocked.

He was like a glass about to break under Jaskier's careful hands. The armor that the witcher identity gave him melted under the influence of the bard's touches and words, leaving him completely defenseless. But he knew Jaskier wouldn't hurt him. Instead of doing something like this, the bard would have taken his own life first, he was that kind of an idiot. And Geralt loved this fool with a ferocious and irreplaceable passion.

Caught up in his thoughts, Jaskier had already managed to remove his pants along with his own clothes. The bard looked dazzling as he sat proudly on him, this should no longer surprise Geralt, but it was impossible not to be when Jaskier was this beautiful. He admired his bard as he looked at Jaskier's muscular, lithe body, his pale complexion, brown wavy hair and pink cheeks.

‘’You're so beautiful." Geralt said. The words came out of his lips.

"Thank you love, but tonight is not about me.’’

Jaskier smiled, clutching his wrists and stroking his palms with his thumbs.

‘’I love your hands, they're so strong.’’

‘’They’re callused and hard.’’

"They're strong and lovely. They've kept you alive all this time Geralt, and you're not paying enough attention to them which is a very bad thing. Moreover," placing one of his hands on his chest, he slid over his soft skin. "I like the feeling it creates on my skin.’’

Geralt threw his head back with a little moan. Jaskier leaned down to his crotch and stroked his legs, without dropping the sugary smile on his face.

‘’Your thighs... You can strangle me with them, and all I can say to you is _thank you._ ’’ Geralt snorted at that. Jaskier on the other hand, smacked his hip to silence him. "I'm serious, they're so thick and muscular, I can feel the pure power they carry when I touch them. You're so strong, Geralt." Jaskier reached for his cock, and as he whispered, his husky voice rose all the hair on his body. ‘’You're so beautiful.’’

"You don't have to sugar coat me." Geralt covered his eyes with his arm, as if trying to keep the tears in his eyes. Damn it, why is he crying again? "Get to the main part, I'm ready.’’

"Shh, I'm in control tonight, not you. Be patient.’’

By the time he took his cock, Geralt had already hardened. From the moment they went to bed, his manhood was stiff, tight and erect enough to create weight above his stomach, precum already starting to appear on the tip. Feeling the wetness of it, with a mischievous but also loving expression, Jaskier lazily stroked his cock once or twice, kissed the top and teased the thin skin. But then he left it to grabbed the lubricant from the drawer.

"Relax darling, I’m gonna take good care of you.’’

After Jaskier left a kiss each side of his groin, he circled over his hole with his index finger. Then when he slowly, very, very slowly put his finger inside, Geralt tried to relax his muscles. He hasn't done this in a long time.

"That's it. It's alright Geralt. It’s alright." When Jaskier kept mumbling and sinked his finger up to his last joint, Geralt's contraction also slowly unravelled, and the passion that made him want more settled heavily in his guts. When a second and then a third finger were quickly added to the side of the first finger, there were small sounds coming out of his mouth that went between whimpering and growling.

"That's it, you're so great darling. You’re opening up for me so beautifully."

The moment Jaskier’s fingers touched the little bulge inside of him, Geralt stiffened, as if he had lost all the breath in his lungs, and his back stretched so far that it didn’t touch the bed. ‘’Found it." Jaskier said, voice as sweet as sherbet. His voice, ignited the flame that engulfed Geralt's skin further and if Jaskier didn't get in him as soon as possible, he would be dead.

Feeling Jaskier’s fingers starting to come out of him, Geralt moved his hips forward to get them back in. But Jaskier pressed his other hand against the top of his stomach to keep him steady and mumbled a no. A filthy groan came out of his lips as a protest and blushed at his own neediness. Feeling the heat raditating of his face and ears.

‘’I know, I know, my love. I'll give you what you want." Jaskier grabbed his own hard cock and settled between his legs after making sure he had thoroughly smeared it with lubricant. "Geralt, can you help me get inside you?’’

Although Geralt felt his face even more warm up, he grasped Jaskier’s slick cock to fulfill his lover's wish, and when he placed it towards his entrance, Jaskier easily got in him all the way to the root. Geralt moaned, growled or maybe even screamed, he didn't know. Jaskier wasn't that big, but he was so beautifully placed in him that it felt like... Like it was what it should have been like from the beginning. Jaskier belonged there, _in him_ and Geralt wanted to keep him like that forever.

"Fuck, darling, you're so hot and tight." When Jaskier found the his spot that made Geralt see the stars within the first move, Geralt's back stretched like a bow again, and shameful moans poured out of his mouth but he couldn't stop.

Jaskier's movements were not slow but not fast also, Geralt wanted to yell at him to speed up, pull his hair to slow down, while Jaskier moved in a gentle rhythm without retreating from him. Jaskier's warm touches, his sweet smile, his velvet voice, all squeezed Geralt's heart so hard that it seemed to explode.

As tears began to flow again from his cheeks as he feared, words also poured out of his lips.

‘’I'm sorry. Fuck, Jaskier I'm sorry. I am so sorry. ’’

Jaskier slowed down enough to stop, but before he stopped moving completely, he found his arm covering his face and pulled it aside. After that, he began kissing everywhere he could reach on his face.

"Shh, Geralt, it's all right. You've done nothing to apologize for darling, it's all right." Jaskier licked and kissed every tear that flowed down his cheeks and swallowed every apology that left his lips. "You are a very strong, brave and honorable man. Behind the harsh image, you have a generous and golden heart.’’

‘’I'm sorry." Geralt said again. It was impossible to shut his mouth, the words were coming out uncontrollably. "I’m sorry, Jaskier... I—‘’

‘’I love you." Jaskier kissed his nose and then his lips. "I love you so much, and if hearing these words will comfort you, I forgive you with all my heart. "

‘’I’m sorry-‘’

"I forgive you and I love you, Geralt.’’

Jaskier kept moving, replacing every _‘I'm sorry’_ word that came out of his mouth with _‘I love you’_. Geralt's words were stuck in his throat after a while. All he could hear were the words _I love you_ pouring out of Jaskier's mouth in sweet sighs. His skin was burning with the power of his words, his stomach was clenching, but that deep pain in his chest was gone. All he felt was warmth and unconditional love from his lover.

Realized he had calmed down, Jaskier kissed the top of his head then frowned as he pressed his hand gently over his stomach to survey the flat area.

‘’I can't feel myself.’’

Geralt laughed at that and gripped Jaskier's wrist with a wet smile. ‘’You don't have to feel it." He said softly and he pressed down, placing Jaskier’s hand in the center of his left area of his chest. "Because you're already here.’’

Jaskier's face suddenly passed with many emotions, and then with a melodic laugh, he kissed him so deeply that when he retreated, his mouth was filled with Jaskier's taste.

"It was quite poetic, dear heart.’’

"You deserve to hear better.’’

‘’You're the best." Jaskier said in a soft, but also solid voice that leaves no room for discussion. "Geralt darling, can you tell me what you are seeing right now?’’

"You. Only you.’’

Jaskier smiled.

‘’How do I look?’’

Geralt replied without thinking.

‘’Blinding.’’

He froze. He didn’t—he didn’t want to said that. _Shit_. He didn’t— He just didn’t think—Jaskier cut his panicked thoughts with a loud laugh.

"I know what you mean darling, relax. And you know, normally I'd like to hear more details than that, but I'll skip it this time." Jaskier's movements began to accelerate. Geralt moaned and spread his legs a little further, pulling Jaskier to himself to feel him more and clenched around him. Jaskier moaned at that and began to move faster.

Geralt mewled, growled, screamed and left so many teeth marks and kisses on his bard, that his pale complexion was a canvas of purple, pink and red. Geralt felt proud, even though Jaskier fucking him deeply and stubbornly abusing his prostate, he still managed to claim him.

Jaskier grasped his cock, muttering with his warm mouth towards his skin after biting his earlobe.

"Come for me my wolf, I want to feel you.’’

Geralt clenched so tightly that Jaskier groaned out loudly, a combination of pain and pleasure spilling from his mouth. Geralt’s eyes rolled back and Jaskier’s name came pouring out of his lips with a muffled groan. His vision lost its clarity, and for a while everything was white. He was cumming for seconds, minutes and maybe hours, he didn't know. When he finally regained consciousness, his vision began to become clear again.

His brain seemed to be filled with cotton, he could see around, but he couldn't understand what was going on. From afar he could hear Jaskier talking to him, just before he surrendered to the fatigue that gripped him, he said _I love you_ to his lover with a small smile.

Then he fell into a dreamless sleep.

Months later, the gap in his chest was completely closed, and the pain that had covered his heart was finally gone.

And for the first time, Geralt had a literally peaceful sleep.

*

Jaskier wasn't there when Geralt opened his eyes. Although he tried not to sulk, he got out of bed with a sullen face and wiped the dried semen that left on his skin with a cloth, he then quickly found his scattered clothes around the room. He had to take a long shower to erase the smell that their coupling left on his skin, but he didn't have the strength to do it, and he wanted to carry Jaskier’s scent on him a little more.

After putting on his clothes and collecting his hair with a ponytail standing below, he left the room to find his bard. It was still too early, Jaskier wasn't considered a morning person, so he couldn't have gone too far.

When he arrived at the kitchen, he saw Jaskier emptying a bottle of honey into a small bowl. On one of the benches a little far from him, Ciri sat cross legged, eating breakfast and listening Vesemir’s story with great interest.

‘’Geralt!" As soon as Ciri saw him, she ran towards him and when she hugged him tightly, jumping into his open arms, a small oof sound escaped from Geralt. In the past seven months, Ciri had grown a little more and stronger, and seeing her cub like this filled Geralt with pride. ‘‘I've missed you!’’

"I miss you too, little cub." He kissed the top of her head, responding to Ciri's hug. "I assume you had a good time with Yennefer.’’

‘’She is so cool." She said. Anyone had to be deaf not to hear the obvious admiration in her voice. "She teaches me so much..." As Ciri excitedly told him everything she had learned over the months, almost in one breath, Geralt sat on the bank opposite to Vesemir with his cub. A half-hearted, ghostly smile appeared on his mentor's face, his amber colored eyes visible to the obvious affection that lay there every time they turned towards to Ciri.

"I didn't expect you to wake up before me." Jaskier intervened in a cheerful voice and turned towards them with the tray he had prepared. "I was going to give you a little surprise by bringing breakfast to the bed, but the princess caught me off guard. I didn't understand how time passed when I was chatting with her, you should hear the poems she read to me. She has the language of a poet.’’

Geralt slightly raised one eyebrow at that. Did Ciri know poetry? Although this was not very unusual information as she was a princess, her cub had never told her about this aspect.

"I've read a few poetry books." Ciri said shyly. Her cheeks were slightly pink in the face of Jaskier's praise. "My grandmother didn't like to read poetry or sing, so she kept saying it was a waste of time for me to fill my head with them.’’

"Fortunately, I'm here now to right this wrong. Ohoh –, I can't wait to teach you what I know, we'll have so much fun." Jaskier approached the bank with the tray. "Now that you're awake, I think we can have breakfast here. My surprise doesn't matter anymore." Against his sulken expression, Geralt smiled and took the tray from his hand and placed it on the table.

"It looks delicious.’’

‘’Of course it is! Because I made it.’’

Ciri chatted to them for a while, giggling at the bard's answer, and then when her interest turned to Vesemir once again, the old wolf sat with her on the cushions in front of the fireplace a little further away from them. Geralt enjoyed the deep conversation between the two, and the fact that all the people he loved were together in his home filled his heart with peace.

"Tell me Geralt," as Jaskier stuffed a piece of bread in his mouth like a squirrel, Geralt felt the smile on his face expand. ‘‘How does she look? Can you describe her appearance to me? I've been wondering who she look like all morning.’’

"Exactly the same as Pavetta. Light blond hair, green eyes, a small nose, a stubborn chin...’’

‘’Oh, she sounds so beautiful.’’

‘’She is." Geralt reached out and kissed Jaskier's hand that was not covered in honey. "I'm grateful to have her in my life.’’

Jaskier smiled warmly.

‘‘I'm glad to hear that.’’

A little chat between them ended when Yennefer went through the kitchen entrance. Just before the sorcerer sat next to them, she glanced at Ciri with a fond smile, then sat next to Jaskier, turning her gaze at them.

‘’Good Morning." Yennefer took one of the grapes on the tray and threw it in her mouth. "I've been thinking about your curse all night." Suddenly Geralt's muscles were tense, but Jaskier was relaxed, even continuing to eat his honeyed bread while Yennefer was talking. ‘’I had an idea. It's something that won't affect your eyesight much, but it's better than nothing.’’

‘‘What is it?" He questioned protectively. Yennefer just smiled at him.

"It's nothing painful, no harm will come to your bard, don't worry Geralt." Yennefer chewed another grape. "Do you know how bats see their surroundings? Many mammals move and hunt with their eyesight, while bats move and hunt with the help of sound. They are not considered blind, but their eyesight is quite poor compared to other animals. So they make high-pitched calls, and their ears detect echoes. So, in short, when sound waves hit things around them, they can understand or partially see that something is nearby. I don't know much about this part. But I think it can be adapted to Jaskier, you can't make sound as high-pitched as bats, but as long as you talk, maybe I can make you see things around you, at least in shape.’’

‘‘It's a risk worth trying." Jaskier said. Although his image remained calm, Geralt could hear his heartbeat quickening under the influence of adrenaline. By putting his hand on Jaskier's hand, he tried to make him feel supported wordlessly, then again turned his gaze to Yennefer.

‘‘Are there risks?’’

"No, it's just a possibility that it won't happen.’’

‘‘Let's try it then.’’

‘’Now?"Geralt frowned. "Can't we use a mouse or something to try it first?’’

"It's all right, Geralt." Jaskier shook his hand and offered him a reassuring smile. ‘‘I trust Yennefer, if she says there's no risk, then there isn't.’’

‘’I'm flattered." Yennefer said sarcastically. Even though Geralt didn't like how things changed direction so quickly, he trusted Yennefer. He even entrusted her with his cub, but it was hard to suppress his protectiveness towards his bard. Taking a deep breath, he hold Jaskier's hand more tightly.

"I'll put my hand on your forehead, try not to be startled when you feel my power.’’

Jaskier gulped, then answered her quickly as he took a deep breath to calm his nerves.

‘’Okay. Okay, I'm ready. Let's just begin.’’

Yennefer placed his hand on Jaskier's forehead, and as the purple waves began to appear in her hand and envelop Jaskier, the bard was slightly startled but did not retreat. Yennefer started to mutter something in elder, Ciri even Vesemir approached them curiously, and for a minute everyone held their breath and waited for what was going to happen.

All Geralt heard was Jaskier's heart, which beat with a fast rhythm. His scent didn’t turn sour to indicate that he was uncomfortable with the situation, but he could sense his anticipation, his hands suddenly felt cold and sweaty. Geralt clenched his jaw, he was clearly felt unsure about what he would do if Jaskier faced with disappointment once again.

‘’It's over." Yennefer ended the spell with a sharp click of her tongue, opened her magenta eyes and carefully inspected the bard.

‘‘So soon."Ciri said in amazement.

"It was not a difficult spell." Yennefer placed one hand on Jaskier's shoulder and gently shook the bard. "Jaskier, aren't you going to talk to see if it works?’’

‘‘I don't feel any different— _sweet Melitele!_ What the hell is this!?" With Jaskier suddenly startled, Geralt couldn’t tighten his grip, and the bard rolled back from where he was sitting. "My Gods, is this—is this real? Fuck, oh... It's—it's unbelievable, Melitele if this is a dream please, please wake me up.’’

"Jaskier," Vesemir sat down next to him and patted him on the back. "Calm down son, you'll block your breathing.’’

‘‘I can see you." Jaskier said in a tearful voice. His bright, gray eyes shone with tears. "I can't see your face or clothes of course, but I can see your shape. Shit, I—I can't believe this. Is this for real?’’

As tears began to flow down his cheeks, Geralt took his lover's face between his palms, wiping the tears gently with his thumb. Jaskier clung to his wrists and looked carefully at his face. It was an unusual feeling for him to look at him so directly for the first time in months.

‘‘Can you see me?’’

"Just as a dark silhouette, but even just looking at your shape, I can tell it's you." As Jaskier touched his face in amazement, Geralt shared his bard's happiness. He cannot imagine how important this was to Jaskier. "Gods... I don't know how to thank you, Yennefer.’’

"Just don't cry, you don't look very lovely with this image.’’

Jaskier turned his head right to where Yennefer was sitting, pulling out his tongue. The sorceress chuckled and patted the bard on the shoulder.

"I'm glad I could help you, I wish there was more I could do.’’

"Oh, shut up, you wonderful, dazzling, magnificent sorceress. I have to write hundreds of ballats to thank you!’’

After the laughter Jaskier cried a little more, then calmed down, but Geralt could see how much this new development had overwhelmed him. When he separated Jaskier from the others, thinking it would be better for the bard, their night was different from the others.

Since Jaskier was blind, he usually found the point he was looking for on his body by grabbling or by circulating his hands on him. But this time, with the help of his new talent, he was able to reach the places he wanted at once and it turned the bard's feelingsupside down. Geralt had just held him in his arms that night and without moving too much in him, he had allowed Jaskier to rediscover him. Jaskier had both cried and laughed, and Geralt buried deeper, lovingly responding to every reaction he made.

At these moments, it was as if their hearts and souls were united in one body. He ceased to be himself and integrated into a new but familiar identity that he knew very well. Parts of himself were torn off and came to life again in Jaskier, just as the parts torn off from Jaskier came to life in him.

As they were both satisfied and hugged each other like a tight knot impossible to untie with their limbs, Jaskier whispered as quietly as the night.

"Will you remain as my eyes?’’

Geralt also knew the other questions underlying this particular question.

_My vision has strengthened a little, will you continue to be with me?_

_Can you keep loving me?_

_Will you stay with me no matter what?_

Although Jaskier didn't ask about any of this, Geralt could hear them all ringing in his ear. Hugging his bard tightly, he kissed the top of his head sealing the words coming out of his lips.

"Always, forever and ever.’’

*

*

*

**Author's Note:**

> So here we are!
> 
> Boy, it was a long ride phew! 
> 
> If you enjoyed the story, please leave kudos or a comment, I would love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> Goodbye for now and take care!


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